32nd Heartbeat

RANDOM THOUGHTS part two

“A human being is part of a whole, called by us the Universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circles of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.” (Quoted from Albert Einstein,German born American Physicist who developed the special and general theories of relativity. Nobel Prize for Physics in 1921. 1879-1955)

ON SANITY

August 24, 2005. 2nd week of our Clinical Pastoral Education Program. I was assigned at the Psychiatric Ward of Philippine General Hospital. I met a lot of individuals suffering from schizophrenia (of various sorts), manic depression, grandiose delusion, borderline personality disorder, and the likes. I happened to attend their group therapy this morning and the nurse in charge was asking them what were the lessons they’ve learned from the session…most of their answers were far from reality until somebody raised his hand and blurted out: “Hindi po ako naniniwala na may taong sira ang ulo…pero naniniwala po ako na may mga taong nasira ang kanilang pagkatao” I was dumbfounded. The statement had a huge impact on me for it was rather profound. I never expected it from a person with mental retardation. There was a parcel of truth in what he said. In my own understanding of sanity, he has urged me to go beyond and perhaps, get in touch with my own madness as well. In a world of delusion and crazy making pleasures, who is considered sane and who is considered insane?

ON PRAYER AND SOLITUDE

An excerpt from the life of Siddharta Gautama: in the town of Bodh Gaya, Siddhartha decided that he would sit under a certain fig tree as long as it would take for the answers to the problem of suffering to come. He sat there for many days, first in deep concentration to clear his mind of all distractions, then in mindfulness meditation, opening himself up to the truth. He began, they say, to recall all his previous lives, and to see everything that was going on in the entire universe. On the full moon of May, with the rising of the morning star, Siddhartha finally understood the answer to the question of suffering and became the Buddha, which means “he who is awake…”

Detaching one’s self from the world does not necessarily mean isolation or lethargy. It is actually an attempt to rediscover the things that were lost in the journey because of being too naive or worldly wise. It is more of an opportunity to relive those moments that were left unnoticed because of the endless searching for that seemingly off the beaten path even if the passionate desire for meaning and significance is just “right there” behind one’s back. A juncture where a person realizes that despite his seclusion, he is not actually alone in the universe, but he is joined by a God who does not only speak through uttered words or written revelations, but can also be felt in prayer, in the silence and solitude of one’s heart. The hidden truths of life are gradually unfolded when an individual has the capacity to find his own sacred time and sacred nook.

ON LOVING AND LOSING

Somebody texted me this bittersweet thought about love:

“Many of us believe that love is forever…that love never dies…only to be disillusioned in the end when we find our hands empty and our hearts longing…we mistakenly have looked at love as a need to be fulfilled…but LOVE is only a GIFT given to us…we should not hold it in our hands for we may never find the strength to let it go when it decides to leave…we should only embrace its warmth and glow while it lasts and then freely open our arms when it is time to say goodbye…”

Why do people fall out of love?

Some people think that love is an emotional calisthenics, an endless duel between lovers particularly on the predilection of who could give more or less affection that will eventually decide the fate of their relationship. Thus, it becomes a competition, a battlefield where the heart is chained in egocentricity because of one’s impulsive desire to make his significant other love him more than what he possibly can, and perhaps later on, inch his way radically to be at par with that capacity for loving, or worse, to surpass it, ending in a recurring manner of questioning one’s worth whenever love is measured in terms of its bulk or girth as if it is something that is being placed inside a weighing scale. To say that “I love him or her more than he or she loves me” is a baloney because it only caters the person’s self-interest, not on how love should reveal itself in all its purity and truthfulness. Real love is always understood in the perspective of freedom and altruism.

Love does not inhibit. It liberates…

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31st Heartbeat

RANDOM THOUGHTS

A lot of things have been going on in my mind and heart these past days. Is it pure fickle? I don’t think so! Let’s just say that I am privileged to have enough time to go back to my past experiences and I want to share these experiences with you….

ON FAITH

All my life I’ve been reflecting about faith. Culture and tradition have provided me with the essentials. Philosophers and theologians explained to me further its ambiguity and intricacy. I also had the opportunity to tackle various parallelisms and nuances about this constitutive dimension of man. But I don’t know what’s going on with my system why I keep on searching for more. It’s not that I’m not contented with what I’ve learned from school but let’s say that my day to day discoveries have impelled me to search for its deeper meaning. I can always use my reason to suffice everything but my heart tells me to look for something concrete and spontaneous.

God himself was the one who made things clear to me. In my dealings with ordinary people, I was able to affirm the fact that indeed, miracles do happen and faith can be as practical as our everyday life. I don’t have to experience the burning bush, the crossing of the Red Sea or the tongues of fire in order to believe in the wondrous deeds of God. I just have to open my eyes and acknowledge even the little and the trivial of things. I must admit that I’ve been struggling with my faith through the years. I’m always blinded by my meticulousness. But now, I realized that faith is simply being vulnerable, being open, and being susceptible to the promptings of God. With this conviction, I am able to transform my pains into consolations, my fears into hopes, my insecurities into self-assurance.

ON BEING VULNERABLE

There’s something behind a person’s tears which makes him truly human. The world can be harsh enough for us to exude our strength, courage, and endurance, but at times, life can be so meaningful if we try to give in to our soft spot. Things are clearly seen if we acknowledge the fact that indeed, we are in pain. For most of us, it can be triggered by specific day to day experiences but sad to say, there are some who doesn’t care at all and would allow the chance to pass by. We can always come up with endless defences whenever we are confronted by our feelings, but one’s growth will always be determined on how much he has gone deep into himself.

It’s my first time to see a friend weep. Those tiny trinkets that fell from his eyes revealed to me profound and innumerable truths about his being. Boys don’t cry…but only real men do.

ON FORGIVENESS

I am having issues with forgiveness right now. I don’t know if I have transformed myself into a vicious monster because of my pride and unwillingness to make up with persons who have caused me pain along the way. But I have realized that the art of forgiving is relative—and it would be pointless to settle an issue in the soonest time possible if the grudge continues to creep into every chambers of my heart. There are wounds that even time couldn’t heal…and in my belief, it would be better to let the stubbornness transform into openness at my own pace without forcing myself to resolve everything. At some point, it is against my upbringing but I just want to face the fact that I am human…that I am limited…that I am experiencing the dichotomy of life…and to come up with a clean slate in every relationship is too ideal, verging on illusory…

ON BEING A TRANSIENT

I have been living a transitory life lately and mind you, packing up my things every now and then is very stressful. It seems that time has become my enemy where I should race against it for the fear of losing the game. At a certain point, I am spared from emotional investments (and baggages as well!) but it alienates my mind and heart for exploring the various possibilities that could happen along the way, ending up with a remorse: “I should have known the place or the person better if only I have looked closely or have stayed longer”. There have been a lot of opportunities that passed my attention and I never got to savor even a tinge of those moments because I was in a hurry to depart for my next journey. I was confident enough that I will still have another glimpse of those that I have missed, but sad to say that I could no longer “pass twice the same river”. Again, I keep on telling my stubborn self, that I am not in total control of everything…and the new realities that my senses perceive each day are so precious and unique that that they will never remain unchanged tomorrow…my life is more of a hurdle where I focus myself so much on my destination, disregarding the joys and the struggles of my journey…

Moral lesson: As I travel along the road, I should allow my head to turn back once in a while so that my senses may have a better view of what the world has to offer…and perhaps, I should take time in smelling the flowers…

30th Heartbeat

MY ALTER EGO

It is Father’s Day and allow me to share some few endearing thoughts about Papa.

To be honest, I’m actually having this difficulty in articulating everything that I know about him because of the fact that we’re not really that expressive in showing our feelings to each other and we’d rather content ourselves with the intermittent blank stares and one-liners which took me some time to figure out. We usually engage in a lengthy conversation when we argue something about the bible or world history or geography or mispronounced words in the English language. I know communication is not an issue for both of us but I’m quite idealistic with my views that I always ended up nagging for the things which he can’t actually give. I have always wanted him to be spontaneous and carefree but I realized that these would put so much pressure on him because in reality, he is quite reserved and introspective, traits which are totally at odds with my own personality. In my 29 years of dealing with him, I just have to face the fact that he’s not the effusive type who would hug me in public and who would swear in front of people that he truly loves his two sons and two daughters. But one thing’s for sure, though he never showed it in words and in actions, he has been devoted to us through the years in ways we can never imagine.

I had so many fond memories with Papa and perhaps, this space would not be enough to convey everything that I have to say. But just to trip down the memory lane a little bit, there are some remarkable moments that would leave me smiling every time I had the chance to indulge myself in reminiscence. When we were young, my brother and I would cry every time he would be giddy and frolicsome to us. He would wrestle with us in bed that we would often complain of his playfulness. He snuggles like a child probably because he is the youngest in the brood and he’s trying to claim the joy and freedom of his forgotten youth. His mother died when he was only 12. They were so hard up in life that he was made to sacrifice a lot of things. His older siblings could no longer support him financially because they also have families to attend to. He finished school because of his personal initiatives, but he wasn’t able to take the engineering board exams because he can’t afford to pay the fees. He worked as a security guard in a telephone company but when his colleagues found out that he has the skills of becoming a “CABLE SPLICER” (a term which I didn’t understand in my younger years but just left me with wonder everytime I would look at all of his certificates and awards for his excellence in cable splicing. I just thought to myself that maybe my father is a “Cable Guy”, like Jim Carrey), they recommended him to the management. The rest, they say is history.

He is a generous and faithful husband (though he can also be very stingy at times!). In the 40 years of his married life, coupled with recurring squabbles and war of the nerves with his wife, he remained loyal and honest. I will never forget the day when he told us that he has never failed in loving Nanay. He asserted with full conviction that he would never leave her side despite her misgivings. Right there and then, he has shown me what true love is—to love unconditionally the real and not the ideal. Zenaida will always be the woman of Felipe’s life. Their love story has inspired me so much that there was even a time when I wanted to compose a script and send it perhaps to a radio or television station in order to be immortalized.

On this special day, I just want to give him the due honor and respect. He is one of a kind and he will always be my inspiration. He has taught me a lot of things in life (hard work, persistence, determination, sacrifice, ingenuity, selflessness) and I owe him my vocation to the priesthood. Before, it is quite hard for me to reconcile with the fact that we share a lot of things in common (i.e. features, mannerisms, personality) and yet, very much different in certain respects (i.e. temperament, social skills, convictions) but later on, I have come into terms that I am more like him and I’m so proud to be his alter ego.

I have always wanted to be like my father.

Papa, Happy Father’s Day! I know I cannot say this out loud but let me assure you that I love you (and Nanay) so much.I am truly grateful to be your son.

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29th Heartbeat

TO CATCH THE FISH, YOU HAVE TO DIG THE BAIT!

Ma’am Rose Piamonte and I went to different public schools this week. We wanted to make sure that there would be allotted slots for Catechism Classes in every grade or year for both elementary and secondary levels so that the Parish Catechetical Ministry will be of service to children and teen-agers, particularly in their growth in Catholic doctrine, morals, and worship. Good thing the principals were gracious enough to receive us although there were still some conflicts in terms of scheduling and we plan to iron things out by next week in order that our nine full time Catechists will start their mission smoothly and efficiently.

When we went around each campus, I’ve noticed that there were still problems as to the general set-up, repairs, and supplies (arm chairs, tables, shelves, and books) of some classrooms. There were even certain parts of the school building that were dilapidated but the teachers had no other choice but to use them because of the increasing number of students that they have to accommodate when the actual classes begin. Everyone indeed deserves an education but forcing one’s self into an undersized space with insufficient materials, with bits and pieces falling apart will cause so much discomfort that will eventually impede learning. I have only watched these situations on the television at the start of the school year with teachers complaining that their students don’t get what they actually deserve but now, I have been a witness to this recurring problem in our country. Perhaps in the past, I confined myself in my apathy because I am fortunate enough to have studied in a bigger classroom, with enough facilities for learning and with very limited number of students. But right now, I am all the more bothered because these poor children are also worthy of these privileges I had before. It is depressing to note that the sad plight of Filipino students are not given concrete solutions by the government and the inept educational system here in the Philippines turned out to be an enduring conundrum that has to be deciphered and resolved. It was ironic to see those individuals aiming for national or local leadership, swearing to the eager public their specific platforms if ever they will be elected but have not kept their promises later on because they were too “occupied” with their “self-serving” concerns. From their seemingly endless mumbling, the word “education” appeared to have a relevance to everybody because most would agree to that affirmation that educating the masses, particularly the young, could be the primary answer to poverty, and yet, up until now, this remains an elusive dream unless something real and substantial has to be done. In the end, all knows a donkey, which does not only subsist on hay, but on the constant yearning to learn despite the illiteracy and the persistent desire to have a better opportunity in life.

Few months ago, I was able to see a documentary that exposed the real classroom situation here in the Philippines, especially the school’s own way of coping with the global trend. There was an initiative made by the government to provide personal computers to schools in remote areas so that the children will familiarize themselves with the parts and mechanisms of the said devices. But the sad thing is, most of these computers are not working properly and if ever they are really working, there is no teacher competent enough to teach the students how to use them. It is unfortunate to think that this presumed ingenuity is more of a baloney, and computers are no longer tools that will bring the outdated into the future, but a pretence that will remind our poor brothers and sisters how ignorant they are in terms of technology and in the long run, will affect the way they see themselves and the way they see the world. In order to help people muddle through the evolution of learning, it is not sufficient to provide them with the existing materials, but to provide them with better opportunities. It is also important to instil in their minds that just like anybody else on this planet, they are capable to make a difference in their seemingly helpless situation. The real essence of providing assistance is not just to give something out of charity, but to help those who are underprivileged how to help themselves. Our problem has always been systemic and it is essential that we, Filipinos must realize that there should be concrete measures that have to be carried out in order that our lives will be a lot better and meaningful.

To end this, I’d like to go back to what Jesus taught his disciples in the Gospel of Matthew. We are truly aware that in order to give emphasis to his teachings, Jesus at times uses parables, and one of these is the Parable of Talents. I believe that it is not just a story that imparts wisdom but it is also a wakeup call for those who wanted to do something sensible and productive in their lives, especially for our leaders who have the responsibility of providing education to the masses.

“Again, the Kingdom of Heaven can be illustrated by the story of a man going on a trip. He called together his servants and gave them money to invest for him while he was gone.He gave five bags of gold to one, two bags of gold to another and one bag of gold to the last–dividing it in proportion to their abilities–and then left on his trip. The servant who received the five bags of gold began immediately to invest the money and soon doubled it.The servant with two bags of gold also went right to work and doubled the money.But the servant who received the one bag of gold dug a hole in the ground and hid the master’s money for safekeeping.After a long time their master returned from his trip and called them to give an account of how they had used his money.The servant to whom he had entrusted the five bags of gold said, `Sir, you gave me five bags of gold to invest, and I have doubled the amount!’ The master was full of praise. `Well done, my good and faithful servant. You have been faithful in handling this small amount, so now I will give you many more responsibilities. Let’s celebrate together!’“Next came the servant who had received the two bags of gold, with the report, `Sir, you gave me two bags of gold to invest, and I have doubled the amount.’ The master said, `Well done, my good and faithful servant. You have been faithful in handling this small amount, so now I will give you many more responsibilities. Let’s celebrate together!’ Then the servant with the one bag of gold came and said, `Sir, I know you are a hard man, harvesting crops you didn’t plant and gathering crops you didn’t cultivate.I was afraid I would lose your money, so I hid it in the earth and here it is.’“But the master replied, `you wicked and lazy servant! You think I’m a hard man, do you, harvesting crops I didn’t plant and gathering crops I didn’t cultivate?Well, you should at least have put my money into the bank so I could have some interest. Take the money from this servant and give it to the one with the ten bags of gold.To those who use well what they are given, even more will be given, and they will have abundance. But from those who are unfaithful, even what little they have will be taken away.^”

We can come up with a lot of interpretations when we ponder deeply on the message of the Gospel but there is one compelling implication that continuously affect and challenge me personally: “There are plenty of fishes in the sea but TO CATCH THE FISH, YOU HAVE TO DIG THE BAIT!”

28th Heart Beat

Exodus

My eldest sister left already for London. I can see the pain in her eyes as she brought her son back to Iloilo early this week because of the delay in the issuance of the travel visa. The British Embassy in Manila advised her to wait until August in order to make sure that everything will be ready by then. She thought to herself that the waiting would be unnecessary though she still wanted to prolong her vacation at home. She had no choice but to bequeath her two-month old baby in the meantime because she obliged herself to return back to work in the soonest time possible, defying the recommendations of her doctors to rest for few more months, so that she could pay her escalating household bills.

People would claim that being in a foreign land is always full of hopes and optimism, that life is a lot better and a lot happier when you’re working abroad, rather than stay here in the country and whine in eternity for the many problems we are encountering particularly, the recurring economic flux and deterioration. True enough, you can earn those dollars or sterling pounds which could readily address the neediness experienced by your folks but when it comes to the reality of happiness, it is always relative. Yes, you can send money to the Philippines but it always involves sacrifice. At times, this sacrifice can break your heart so much especially when you realize that you’re alone and longing for home but you’d preferably endure that loneliness and would just cry a river because you made a firm decision that you should have no other choice but to stay considering that if ever you would give up, your family will eventually crumble into pieces since they are depending so much on your financial support. Just imagine the emotional dilemma our OFWs are experiencing. They have no right to insist on their individual choices (although it is obvious that they will really choose home for they don’t want to leave their families) since it is something that they impose on themselves because of that desire of getting a better chance at life.

According to the recent figures, more than 1 million Filipinos leave the country every year in order to find lucrative jobs in foreign lands. That’s about 3,000 of our countrymen leaving each day, braving even the strangest places on the planet (I was surprised to find out that there are Filipino English Teachers working in remote Mongolia from a documentary made for television), grabbing every single opportunity from alluring openings like high paying jobs, better working situations and finer standards of living…all for the purpose and sheer luck of giving a decent life to their families. But the painful part of this is the certainty of leaving one’s parents, one’s wife or husband, one’s children, one’s brothers and sisters, and one’s friends because he or she has to stick with his or her ideals and ambitions even if it will cost the person his or her own happiness.The Land of dreams is also a land of sorrow and longing. Although Filipinos can easily adapt to their new environment but most of them will still swear that “there’s no place like home”. Nevertheless this yearning has to be suspended excruciatingly because it is also hard to imagine a home where a particular family has no means of sustaining themselves in terms of food, shelter, clothing, healthcare and education.

Few years back, I remember my eldest sister telling me that, “Toto, kung ako lang ang masunod, gusto ko nga ululupod kita tanan, nga wala bala sing nagapalayo, pero kung hindi ako magbalik sa London, ano ang gastuhon ni papa kag ni nanay hay pareho man sila nga wala obra? Ano ang paeskwela ko sa imo kag sa imo manghod?” She was telling this to me with tears welling from her eyes as her statement sounded more like a sharp knife that pierced my heart because this longing will not only come from her but from us, the family she will again leave behind. We had to wait for another two or three years (mind you, at times, the anticipation seemed like eternity) before we can see her again. This pain of longing was felt even more when I was ordained priest and both of my sisters who are working abroad did not make it due to unavoidable circumstances. I was crying in front of people because I wanted them to be present on my special day. I want to share to them my joy but I am only limited to send DVD copies of the video coverage and the printed pictures because they are miles and miles away from home. But despite my heart’s protest, I have to understand them because I am fully aware that they had no choice. To deprive themselves of our physical presence is actually a way of showing their unconditional love and I can’t blame them both for deciding to have that better chance at life in the Land of Promise, even if it will cost them a thousand heartaches and yearnings for being far from us.

If only our country can also be a Land of Promise in terms of providing a better life for Filipinos, exodus will not happen, homes will be intact, and families will stay together…forever.

27th Heartbeat

GOD ALONE IS PERMANENT

Pain, sorrow, and death are inseparable. In the many funeral masses that I presided, these three dreadful things are often heard from utterances of family and friends of the deceased person. Inasmuch as I wanted to ease out the sadness of those who mourn for the passing away of their beloved through my repetitive discourses and predictable rationalizations about what our faith and morals have to say about those who have gone before us, I am left with a conclusion that a person should just accept the obvious assertion that pain, sorrow and death are realities of life for nothing is spared from the verdict of fate or the passage of time.

Honestly, I myself could not even explain concretely any of these things. They are more of a mystery that should continuously be unfolded, with a slim chance of making sense of everything because the understanding of pain, suffering and death is always relative. In my own experience, I can say that at times, pain can cripple my spirit so much that it is hard for me to objectify things as I let myself feel helpless with what I have gone through. Sorrow can plunge me into that twisted state of grief as I express my endless litany of anguish and regret. Death gives me an intermittent fear that hinders my capacity to ruminate progressively because I am entertaining the fact that at the end of my life here on earth, everything will turn out to be a baloney. I know it’s easy to reason out to people what I know about these things based on what I have learned from school and from experience, but you see this perplexity still gets into my nerves, making me swear that I don’t have answers to these baffling presentiments of human existence.

But I can somehow shed light to these recurring confusions through a song. Music has influenced my way of thinking through the years because there are certain intricacies of life which only poetry, lyrics and melody could best articulate. Songs are euphemisms that do not necessarily appeal to an individual’s intellectual scrutiny. Oftentimes, it’s just a matter of trying to get hold of those tunes and lines in a person’s mind and heart, allowing the song to speak for itself.

I happen to hear one song that would best convey the reality of pain, sorrow and death. It does not offer a tangible solution to a problem or a viable diagnosis for self-help but it allows the person to discover that behind all these “dreadful things” there’s somebody who is far greater and powerful if only one has the gift to read between the metaphorical depictions. It was intentionally written as a tribute for somebody who died but as I went through the lyrics, there is one important line that really caught my attention and moved me to ponder on the many pains, sorrows and deaths I also endured in my personal life: EVERYTHING is temporary. Only GOD is permanent.

Allow me to share the rest of the lyrics:

Is this the moment where I look you in the eye?
Forgive my broken promise that you’ll never see me cry
And everything, it will surely change
Even if I tell you I won’t go away today

Will you think that you’re all alone
When no one’s there to hold your hand?
When all you know seems so far away
And everything is temporary, rest your head
I’m permanent

I know he’s living in hell every single day
And so I ask, oh God is there some way for me to take his place?
And when they say it’s all touch and go
I wish I could make it go away but still you say

Will you think that you’re all alone
When no one’s there to hold your hand?
When all you know seems so far away
And everything is temporary, rest your head
I’m permanent, I’m permanent

Is this the moment where I look you in the eye?
Forgive my promise that you’ll never see me cry

I believe the song is very much related to the prayer of Saint Teresa of Avila which would also speak of one’s stability, sufficiency and permanence in God:

May nothing disturb you (Nada te turbe)
May nothing astonish you (Nada te espante)
Everything passes (Todo se pasa)

God does not go away (Dios no se muda)
Patience (La paciencia)
can attain anything (todo lo alcanza)
He who has God within, (Quien a Dios tiene)
does not lack anything (nada le falta)
God is enough! (Solo Dios basta)

Pain, sorrow and death are inevitable realities but they are temporary. No matter what happens, God alone is permanent.

26th Heartbeat

THE STORY OF tWO eXTREMES

The First Extreme:

According to statistics, 30.6 million Filipinos or 6.12 million families are suffering from poverty. In a nation composed of 78 provinces, 84 cities and 41,940 barangays, 40 percent of people live below the poverty line. There are about 77 million Filipinos today, and this number is growing by 2.05 percent annually. This means that some 1.5 million Filipinos are born every year, 600,000 of whom to poor parents. Some 32.5 million Filipinos, comprising 66.3 percent of the population, are considered matured enough to work. But 3.3 million of these people, or 10.1 percent of the workforce, cannot find jobs while 5.2 million others, or 17.7 percent, have no regular source of income. According to the World Bank, the Philippines had a per capita GNP of US$1,050 in 1999, compared to China’s US$780, Indonesia’s US$600, Vietnam’s US$370, Lao’s US$290 or Cambodia’s US$280. Yet, the Philippines’ poverty incidence rate of 40 percent is higher than China’s 3 percent, Indonesia’s 23 percent, Vietnam’s 37 percent, Lao’s 38 percent or Cambodia’s 36 percent. Among Southeast Asian countries, poverty incidence is most extreme in the Philippines where some 15.3 million Filipinos (half of the poor population) wake up every morning without food on the table. These people are called subsistence individuals or whose income cannot provide for basic food requirements. Popcom’s data is even conservative because in its interpretation, a family of six earning a total of P72,000 a year is not considered poor. In contrast, a study conducted by the National Wages and Productivity Commission (NWPC) pegged the minimum income that a family of six must earn annually at P191,874 in order to live decently in Metro Manila. [i]

I am overwhelmed by the figures. I never thought that our economic condition would be this bad even if the data I have stated above was published eight years ago. Now, it’s 2009 and I don’t think that there was really a significant change that took place over the years. I do not want to appear cynical but the social status and living conditions of our Filipino brothers and sisters would testify to this sad plight of our country.

The Second Extreme:

The Philippines is proud to display her sprawling shopping malls, with three being included in the listing of the World’s Largest Shopping Malls. It’s ironic for a tiny country in the South Pacific to come up with such gigantic structures where one can indulge himself to luxury and give in to the concupiscence of his eyes. Based on the figures, there are more than 200 shopping malls scattered in the three major islands of the country. In 2008, a shopping mall giant boasts its 7 percent increase in profits with a consolidated net income of 6. 4 billion pesos (in comparison with the 6 billion pesos net profit in 2007). Even with the occurring global financial crisis, the mall giant achieved its goals and sustained its expansion in 2008. The company performed fairly well and was able to deliver on its targets and objectives due mainly to the unwavering support of its loyal customers, tenants, suppliers, shareholders and employees. [ii]

I am again overwhelmed by the figures. It’s not that I am totally dismayed about this expeditious upsurge of shopping malls in our country. In fact, it is good news because despite the poverty information that left us grumbling and spiteful of our economic situation, we have to face the fact that they are signs of progress. Even if the statistics would put us to shame; some of us could still afford to buy their own little luxuries or even go beyond the limits of spending. In a country disparaged by scarcity and destitution, extravagance is still very much included in our daily vocabulary. And mind you, I don’t excuse myself for this reality.

I am sharing this because I had a poignant experience last week when I had my short break in Metro Manila. I had the chance to stroll around the newly built San Miguel by the Bay, located at the back of SM Mall of Asia. It is actually a long chain of restaurants, coffee shops, and bars where you just have to walk comfortably and choose what will possibly tickle your fancy. I was surprised to see a lot of people coming from different places, barging into the doors of their favorite “hang outs”, meeting their folks, friends and colleagues—eating, drinking, and cheering till wee hours in the morning. I just wondered if these people were really experiencing this so called “pangs of abject poverty” when they could spend so much on food and liquor, while the rest are suffering from hunger, homelessness and distress. While looking at them, I kept on saying to myself: “Amo gid man ini kaimol ang Pilipinas?” It was really mind-boggling for me since I was caught between being conventional to the figures because statistics basically don’t lie! or simply become a disbeliever for the reason that I didn’t feel this vagrant attitude from the crowd that surrounded me.

This is indeed a story of two extremes. Nevertheless, I learned so much from this experience because as I furthered along the extensive boulevard, I saw groups of people who were just sitting by the concrete wall facing the calm and unruffled Manila Bay, gazing at the stars with just few packs of local chips or crackers, and a liter of soft drinks they bought from a nearby convenience shop. They seemed happy too and they were also enjoying every moment they spent on that area despite the fact that they decided to choose frugality over extravagance. Oddly enough, I could not tell whether they were really underprivileged since they looked decent. I don’t know if it was an intended dissension to those who were spoiling themselves in posh restaurants, coffee shops, and bars, but turning their backs from lavishness was evocative of the things they truly appreciated and valued in life.

Based on these two extremes, two realizations surfaced:

1.)Happiness is a choice even in the face of poverty and;

2.)There are certain things in life that money can’t buy.

25th Heart Beat

A series of Unfortunate Events

Just how unfortunate is unfortunate?

I had a funny experience this week.

Tuesday morning. I went inside my room after my 5:30 mass in order to catch up some more sleep in compensation to my frequent insomnia attacks (drinking coffee during late afternoons could be the possible culprit!) but before I had finally lost myself into the oblivion, my instincts woke me up as I saw water outpouring from my toilet. I feebly jumped out of my bed and looked for alternatives that could possibly stop the unexpected flow. Good thing there was this rubber plumber, and I was grateful to the person who invented this minimal yet brilliant device that put an end to many household congestions. But just when I thought that everything will be fine by my seemingly endless “thrusting, pumping and siphoning”, the water grew in an unexplainable level that some of the things under my bed were soaking wet.After a struggle of whether to tell everyone about this or solving it by myself for the dread of embarrassment, I decided to ask help from Nong Hamot but there was no way for the water to be completely drained into the gutter. In a pathetic attempt to lessen the volume, I painstakingly scooped the overflow with my dipper as I filled the pail with murky water and yet, to no avail.

Helpless, I went down to look for other viable means of clearing up my mess, only to find out that the outflow has reached the Pastoral Secretariat Office and the Parish Hall, drenching the files, documents, PC Monitor and CPU. The parish staff had to dismantle everything and dry them under the sun in order to avoid short circuit or electrocution. There was a commotion that took place this day and I was deeply troubled to see them examining every parts of the computer, with apprehensions that those that were soaked might not be functioning anymore.

Verging on self-pity, I kept on blaming myself for the sad plight brought about by my stupid efforts of trying to get hold of everything. I really had a bad day and I just had to deal with it, as my ego tussled with my conscience for screwing up the surge of what seemed to be a normal, typical day for most. I don’t know whether I should laugh or be distressed for the consequences caused by a single, awkward event that took place in a life of struggling parochial vicar who wanted to make sense of his misfortunes and surrender everything to grace- hoping, wishing, and praying that tomorrow will be a better day. At the end of it all, I just gave myself a deep sigh as I reassured myself of that fervent belief in God’s Providence.

Indeed, it was beyond my limits. And it made me realize that I was more of a control freak.

The next day, I rouse up still having second thoughts whether things will be better or I should prepare myself for more misfortunes, but deep in my heart, the joy of having to learn life’s valuable lessons amidst adversities was something that remained constant and unchanging. I will not whine this time because I was given that vigour to continue believing in GRACE.

Misfortune is never mournful to the soul that accepts it; for such do always see that every cloud is an angel’s face. (Lydia M. Child)

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24th Heartbeat

LOSING AND FINDING (the conclusion)home-by-chris-daughtry-acoustic

If you have found yourself already in the crossroads and seemed to be satisfied with the things that you have learned from your journey, would you move forward to those paths of uncertainties or go back to where you actually belong?

This question is rather relative particularly to the person who has placed himself in this situation. It’s easy to choose between opposites because you can always go for something that is more desirable or less evil but then, there’s a great dilemma if you are made to choose between things that are equally ideal and enviable.If you choose to move on, you will definitely encounter a lot more people, places and experiences that may contribute to your desire of becoming a good person. If you choose to go home, you will heal those persistent longings in your heart and be reunited with the persons who have become customary in your life. There is a constant battle amid man’s unprecedented search for change and stability, worth and acceptance, yearning and contentment, wonder and familiarity, principle and authenticity. Change can bring you to places you have never been before but stability can make you realize where you truly rest. Worth can define your relevance as a person but acceptance can give you something which you don’t actually deserve. Yearning can impel you to crave, to learn, and to feel for more, but contentment can make your life a little less complicated. Wonder can embellish every lobes of your probing mind but familiarity can make you remember the things in nostalgia. Principle can keep your belief in a particular certainty unbroken but authenticity can let you see on the other side. To go on with the journey of a thousand miles can make you see the world in a whole lot of perspectives but to go home is to feel once again the loving embrace of those whom you have left behind. There is no right or wrong in these choices. It’s just that one has to follow his heart. What appeared to be a knotty soul-searching for Nick turned out to be an option that involved his human core.

Obviously, he chose home.

Two days after we had our serious conversation, he decided to pack his bag again, bought a plane ticket and went home to Sariaya, Quezon with much willingness to be reconciled with his wife. In my judgment, I can surmise that his detour here in Iloilo City could just be a product of his fickle mind but I set aside my reason for a while and gave him the benefit of the doubt. What is important for me right now is the fact that his wife loved him so much that she is willing to give another chance to their relationship provisionally wrecked by selfishness, deception, infidelity and hatred.

I haven’t heard from Nick anymore but I believe that meeting his wife once again was a sweet reunion. He may have lost his way but love has shown him everything he needed to know about himself and brought him home.

Home is where the heart is. I remember them in my prayers.

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23rd Heartbeat

LOSING AND FINDING (episode two)

If you ended up in a place where there’s a possible chance of finding yourself, will you turn your back from your painful past and move on immediately, or will you face it squarely before you take your succeeding steps?

As what I have mentioned in my column last week, the journey of Nick to Iloilo City was just the beginning of his desire of finding himself as he confronted his personal issues which resulted in an ill-fated whim that almost destroyed his family. That ardent need for making sense of everything that had happened prompted him to jostle his travelling bag and left home with a keen hope of starting anew his life that was crumbled into portions of hatred, disgust, shame and regret. And thus, he found himself in an unusual place, desperately seeking for somebody who will listen to his angst and will not judge him as a person. Being an ex-seminarian, he sought comfort to a place where he truly believed he can be safe: Jaro Cathedral.

The Contradiction

Nick’s conscience bothered him so much that he kept on telling me that he has no courage to ease things out with his wife. He just left without informing anybody where he was heading to. There was a constant battle between pride and guilt inside his heart that he was still unable to discern the next steps he will going to take as he begins his apparently “new” life in this place that seemed to be full of uncertainties for him. His guilt crippled his ego because of the fact that his wife loved him so much and yet he still ended up being unfaithful to their marriage. He could no longer contain his conscience that his pride impelled him to run away from home because he thought all the while that going back would only worsen the situation. He was unsure whether he will still be accepted after all that he has done. When he shared all of these things to me, he also pleaded if I could help him look for a boarding house where he can stay at the moment while pondering on the things he will do in the succeeding days. Good thing we were able to find one somewhere in Bolilao. We helped him settle everything and left him soon enough because his sunken eyes and weary face gave a signal that he was indeed very tired from the trip.

The Real Deal

In our conversation, Nick told me that all he ever wanted was a happy and gratifying married life, part of which is to have a child. Unfortunately, his wife had a fertility problem and this started everything. He felt insecure about himself because that dream of having a baby turned out to be elusive for both of them. The wife suggested to opt for an adoption but he never gave in to her prodding. He became compulsive as he threatened his wife that he will be leaving her if she will not give him a child. He found himself in complete disillusionment that one day he fell in love with another woman. He packed his things, left his wife and stayed with his mistress with the ideal that he could still fulfil his dream of having a complete family. But soon enough, the woman told him that although she was able to conceive, yet she was not prepared for it. She asked Nick to wait until that waiting became days, weeks and months. His hope of finally having a child of his own became a reason for despair. When he finally woke up from his folly because of the senseless decisions that he has made, he remembered his wife and that painful reality has tormented him even more. Now, he is blaming himself for all the mess that he has done and cried profusely over the things that he has lost.

The Challenge

Now that he found himself in the crossroads, with yet another opportunity to decide what’s best for him and for his wife, Nick finally confronted the ghosts of his past. He realized that running away from his scruples will never give him freedom and peace of mind. His decision of leaving his wife for another woman was the most selfish thing to do because he was only catering to his needs and indeed, he was being unfair. He thought he could find solace in the things that could justify his disloyalty and unfaithfulness but later on, he found out that he had pangs of regret as he hated himself even more. The challenge for him right now is whether to continue to search for his self-worth in ambiguity because of that need of finding “more” about himself or to simply go home and recover those that he has lost in his precarious journey.

To be concluded next week…