A Short Thought On Forgiveness
I am having issues with forgiveness right now. I don’t know if I have transformed myself into a ferocious monster because of my pride and unwillingness to make up with persons who have caused me pain along the way. But I have realized that the art of forgiving is relative—and it would be pointless to settle an issue in the soonest time possible if the grudge continues to creep into every chambers of my heart. There are hurts that even time couldn’t heal…and in my belief, it would be better to let the stubborness transform into openness at my own pace without forcing myself to resolve everything. At some point, it is against my upbringing but I just want to face the fact that I am human…that I am limited…that I am experiencing the dichotomy of life…and to come up with a clean slate in every relationship is ideal, or even illusory…
Uncategorized | Comments (2)Presence
“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” (Leo Buscaglia)
Sharing (Community Mass, August 19)
Good morning brothers! (and sisters) I was given the task of sharing our experiences in the apostolate and allow me to start things up with my own understanding of the term “saw-saw”. It’s a fact that I am not proficient in Tagalog grammar. My understanding would always be limited on the occasions that I use them, or at times, I am aided by persons who are experts in the proper usage of certain terms, which are quite confusing especially when they are being referred to various instances.
In the apostolate, the term “saw-saw” is already overrated. It has a lot of meanings and implications. I remember one time, when we were having our pastoral planning, one BEC shared that “Maganda sigurong tingnan kung ano nga ba talaga ang konkretong
plano sa apostolado, baka kasi saw-saw-saw-saw lang ang ginagawa natin doon”.
What does ‘saw-saw’ really mean for me? If I use an analogy, it would refer to the traditional Filipino culture of adding spice to the seemingly bland dish. In every street or corridor, there are a lot gastronomic specialties that are usually coupled with various sauces and dips. I know that oftentimes, it is just a matter of choice, but one could only satisfy his cravings whenever there’s an added zest or zing that would tickle his palate. Put it concretely, “Kung bibili ka ng fishball, barbecue, o isaw, ay mayroong sawsawan. Puwede kang pumili ng sarsa na gusto mo- matamis, maasim, maalat, o maanghang”.
Eventually, this concept brings me to another meaning of the term “saw-saw”. I remembered very well, during our Urban Poor Trial in Payatas, me and my classmate would complain on the outcome of the program since we are doing nothing for the entire day. We realized that we were only there to be a burden to our host families who cannot even have a grip of their own lives. It could’ve been better if there’s a specific program that we will going to implement so that we could be of help to the community. At a certain point, our idea was noble and productive- by advocating the slogan, “helping people help themselves”. But later, I figured out that I am only catering my own needs and expectations…that I am only satisfying my own ideals in life. I can rationalize on and on but could mean less than simply being there…in the end, what mattered to the family that I stayed for 3 weeks was my PRESENCE, and my openness in facing the mundane.
Looking back, it dawned on me that this is another nuance of the term “saw-saw”. I go to my apostolate area not just for the reason of making a difference in peoples lives by my initiatives, but I make my presence felt. Inasmuch as I would insist on my idealisms, at times, people would only ask me to have a watchful eye, a listening ear, and a careful understanding in order that I may have a grasp of their situation… Inasmuch as “saw-saw” would require transcendence in time, my experience in the apostolate taught me how to be open to a lot of possibilities by paying attention to the joys and sorrows, hopes and fears, angst and frustrations of the people I meet during weekends…I really wanted to help but it is better not to assume, because all they ever ask of me is my company…my availability to listen to their various litanies in life— whether their spouses have left them for another partner, or their children have left school because of vices, or their despair in looking for jobs to sustain the family food table, or their “helplessness” in coping with the harshness of urban life. Now, as what the analogy that I have mentioned would suggest, I am able to savor the various “spices” of human existence which added flavor to my own existence and purpose as well, and I continue to affirm this fact in every visit to our apostolate area. Sa aking patuloy na pakisawsaw sa iba’t-ibang sarsa ng buhay, nagkakaroon ng “bagong lasa” ang aking pananaw sa kapwa tao at buhay.
To end my sharing this morning, I’d like to make a simple connection to the Gospel. The disciples rebuked the people, especially the children from coming to their Master. But Jesus told them, "Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them; for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven". I believe this is an invitation for me to continue to possess the heart of a child- to be open, to be humble and to be enthusiastic about life as seen in its ordinariness. I could keep on rationalizing things and come up with best laid plans, but in the end, I am only encouraged to be there for the people in my apostolate—and it would already suffice everything…
Uncategorized | Comment (1)Heart of Mine 2
I was browsing my notes this evening and I found this quote from Peter Carnley:
"Loving is not just one of a number of attributes a person may be said to possess; a person’s loving is the person himself or herself, going out and giving himself or herself to another…"
Honestly speaking, there are occasions that I’d like to imagine that I have completely fallen to the disbelief of loving. Ironically, every time I would give my heart to somebody, I end up in pain. I don’t know if the mystery of love and relationship could only be unfolded if one has to feel the anguish in giving his heart to the one he truly cares. Despite my claim for the many experiences of love lost and love found, I guess it would be better to remain ignorant and unassuming because only in the end that I may be able to discover the implications of all the crazy-making pleasure and throb I can get from loving.
Uncategorized | Comment (0)Symptoms of Schizophrenia II
March 30, 1775: King George endorses New England Restraining Act
Hoping to keep the
New England colonies dependent on the British, King George III formally endorses the New England Restraining Act on this day in 1775. The New England Restraining Act required New England colonies to trade exclusively with
Great Britain as of July 1. An additional rule would come into effect on July 20, banning colonists from fishing in the
North Atlantic .
March 30, 1867: U.S. buys Alaska
On this day in 1867, the
United States government put the finishing touches on the deal to purchase that "large stump of ice," better known as
Alaska . The acquisition, brokered in absolute secrecy by Secretary of State William Seward, saw the
U.S. pay
Alaska ’s owner,
Russia $7.2 million, or roughly two cents per acre of land. Though
Alaska was the first bit of property ever relinquished by
Russia , some American officials sneered at the seemingly barren new state. In certain circles, the deal was derisively known as "Seward’s Folly." However,
Alaska promised a few bright benefits for the U.S. Along with freeing another piece of the continent from the grip of monarchy,
America ’s newest state was flush with furs and fish. Rather than establishing a formal government in the territory, President Andrew Johnson reasoned that
Alaska ’s economic activities placed it under the charge of the Treasury Department, which regulated the fur and fish trades. In effect, Johnsonýs decision created a government monopoly and planted the seeds for conflict in
Alaska ’s not too distant future.
March 30, 1891: "Sockless" Simpson rallies populist farmers
Signaling a growing movement toward direct political action among desperate western farmers, "Sockless" Jerry Simpson calls on the Kansas Farmers’
Alliance to work for a takeover of the state government.
Simpson was one of the most popular and influential leaders among Populist-minded western and mid-western farmers of the late 19th century. Angered over low crop prices, crippling bank loans, and high shipping rates, farmers began to unite in self-help groups like the Grange and the Farmers’ Alliances. Initially, these groups primarily provided mutual assistance to members while agitating for the regulation of railroads and grain elevators. Increasingly, though, they became centers of support for more sweeping political change by uniting to help form the new nationwide third-party movement known as the Populists.
March 30, 1918: Allied troops halt Germans at Moreuil Wood
On March 30, 1918, British, Australian and Canadian troops mount a successful counter-attack against the German offensive at Moreuil Wood, recapturing most of the area and forcing a turn in the tide of the battle in favor of the Allies.
After launching the first stage of a major spring offensive on March 21, 1918—masterminded by Erich Ludendorff, chief of the German general staff—the German army swiftly pushed through the British 5th Army along the
Somme , crossing the river on March 24. Their attacks were less successful to the north, however, around the crucially important Vimy Ridge, where
Britain ’s 3rd Army successfully held its positions. Determined to push on toward
Paris , Ludendorff threw his troops against the town of
Amiens . To Ludendorff’s distress, although they came within 11 miles of the city, the Germans had great difficulty capturing
Amiens and its railway junction, which the British and French were told to hold at all costs. Lacking sufficient cavalry, the Germans also had problems delivering artillery and supplies to their front-line troops; those troops also received no relief, and were expected to sustain the momentum of the attack all on their own.
March 30, 1947: Tucker announces car concept
Preston Tucker announced his concept for a new automobile to be named "the Tucker". Having built a reputation as an engineer during WWII when he served as general manager of his company, Ypsilanti Machine & Tool Company, Tucker looked to capitalize on the high demand for cars that post-war conditions offered. No new car model had been released since 1942, and so the end of the war would bring four years worth of car-buyers back to the market. Tucker intended to meet the demand with a revolutionary automobile design. His 1945 plans called for an automobile that would be equipped with a rear-mounted engine as powerful as an aircraft engine, an hydraulic torque converter that would eliminate the necessity of a transmission, two revolving headlights at either side of the carýs fender, one stationary "cyclops" headlight in the middle, and a steering wheel placed in the center of the car and flanked by two passenger seats
March 30, 1994: First episode of Ellen
Ellen, Ellen DeGeneres’ popular show about single thirty-somethings in
Los Angeles , premieres. The show quickly became one of the country’s Top 15 most watched shows and drew even more attention when, in April 1997, the gay title character "came out" to her friends in a high-profile episode featuring cameos by Oprah Winfrey, k.d. lang, Demi Moore, Billy Bob Thornton, and Dwight Yoakum. Some 42 million viewers watched the special hour-long program. Ellen became the first prime-time sitcom to feature a gay leading character. However, the show was not renewed the following season.
March 30, 1980: The coming into being of a bouncing 8.5 lbs. baby boy in this “you cannot pass twice the same river” world…
Felipe and Zenaida never thought of having a third child anymore, having been satisfied with their two lovely daughters, who often mistaken as twins (because of their one-year age gap, almost identical features, same haircut, same clothes, same temperament, etc…)…but fate must’ve been awfully nice at them, they were blessed with a son (after seven years of waiting)…and they named him Philip Vincent (“Philip” after “Felipe” and “Vincent” after the famous Dominican saint known for his eloquence and mutant powers of bilocation,hehehe). Two years later, the youngest in the brood of four was born. Now it can be told…Sinco Family is finally complete. (an excerpt from my autobiography; August 2005)
Uncategorized | Comment (0)
top gone
etymology:
top gun: a film by jerry bruckheimer that ushered tom cruise to stardom; story evolves around the students of a prestigious flying school, competing who’s the best in class…
top gone: a term quoted from sexy comedienne giselle sanchez during the concert of the six priests in the city at mega mall (may 2003); explanation: “top is almost gone”
I had a funny experience several weeks ago. Somebody sent me an e-mail asking me if I happened to be a monk. For obvious reasons, what the heck would a monk like me having a friendster account if my life is undeniably in seclusion? Then I looked at all the pictures I posted on my profile section and realized that the sender may have a point. Honestly speaking, it took me some time to finally accept the inevitable, and come to grips with the sad plight of my so-called “crowning glory”…Yeah you’re right…I am doomed to be bald and sad to say, there’s nothing I can do about it. At first, I thought it can be remedied by certain tonics, medications, herbal infusions, etcetera…etcetera… being recommended by a lot of “swear it alls” who encouraged me to use it for the hope of gaining back all that was lost…Mind you, I have tried everything! Even the shampoo used in cleaning and lathering horses which some believed could activate the follicles and promote hair growth in matter of month but to no avail…Later, it dawned on me that my case was different. I think it has something to do with genetics and it would be harsh of me to blame everything to my parents…I must admit that at times, I’m being crippled with my insecurities (Especially when friends would intentionally borrow a comb from me even if they know that I don’t buy or own one for years…It pisses me off! They’re only adding insult to injury!) but that’s how life goes…you gain some, you lose some…
Recently, there have been other members in the community who are having the same problems like mine…and I’m glad that we share the same sentiments. We were getting used to shaving our heads every two weeks and it’s amusing that it turned out to be a fad…even to those who are not having the “vanishing glory” syndrome…BALD IS IN so they say…We’re now trying to come up with some sort of a support group (reminds me of the alcoholics anonymous…) and it’s quite appropriate to call ourselves “top gone” as a form of jocularity in memorial of all the strands of hair that were lost during the battle…at the end of the day, we just have to console ourselves with the fact that receding hairline is a sign of wisdom,hehehehe…
I don’t know if we’re starting an advocacy but those interested are very much welcome…top gone anyone? (",)
Uncategorized | Comment (0)Time
March 30, 2006. I celebrated my 26th birthday visiting the old edifices in Cebu together with my classmates. I don’t know if it’s more of a cultural tour but nevertheless, I am enjoying every minute, wandering around as if we were really familiar with the place. We were riding a jeep when I finally took notice of my old wrist watch, which has been so useful to me through the years. For practical reasons, I am wearing it in order to tell the time and be mindful of the succeeding pages of my personal history, but beyond this, it was also a reminder of the many things I’ve missed in the journey…
I have been used to set the hands of my wrist watch thirty minutes ahead of the usual time. In this manner, I am able to organize and plan things without being pressured by any external factors. I hate spontaneity and surprises. It is important for me to have a complete hold of everything before I will enter into something. My life is characterized by eternal recurrence, just like a series of predictable scenes on the boob tube. I thought all the while that this will somehow give me a grip of reality. I was wrong.
Lately, I’ve realized that I’m getting tired. I don’t know if it has something to do with too much exertion of effort or my endless race with time. All I know is that, I still have the luxury of going into the next level, confident that I am always meeting my deadlines. I became so future oriented that I already have foresights of what will happen to me tomorrow, in the next few weeks, or even in a year. However, at the end of the day, I am confronted with a lot of frustrations, realizing that I am not in complete hold of everything.
Looking at my wrist watch once again, I ask myself: “What are the things that I’ve missed?” At a certain point, I could say that I often skip the joys of the present moment. Rare are the occasions when I had the freedom to appreciate all that surrounds me because I am in a hurry. There was so little time for me to ponder on the various facets of my existence. I was very compulsive then, failing to recognize what is truly valuable and enduring. But going deeply into the staggering losses of my life, what hurts me most is the fact that I’ve missed a lot of people, who just came in at once then walk away, hardly noticing the possibility of deep intimacy and friendship. I keep on regretting for a lot of opportunities where I could have made a fuss of the moment and own every memory I had with those whom I value most. I was pretty sure then that I will never ran out of time because I am way ahead of it but I just saw them leaving one by one, not saying formally my goodbyes. Some good things never last so they say and I just have to make most of what’s left for me.
After realizing all these things, I decided to pull the winding pinion of my wrist watch and set the time appropriately. My world went slow. I became very impatient. But, I am hopeful that I will get used to it soon. There’s a great feeling of ease on my part seeing people in the here and now. I will be more observant, critical, and appreciative of life. I will focus myself on what is true, real, and essential. I will make lots of memories. I will learn to let go gracefully of people and things not meant for me . I will never get tired. I will never be sorry. I will no longer see myself as somebody who has this unprecedented duel with every second, minute and hour of subsistence.
Uncategorized | Comment (0)