22nd Heartbeat

LOSING AND FINDING (episode one)

How far will you go in order to find yourself?

This was the question that kept on recurring inside my mind as I commented on the blog of a friend regarding his ephemeral lifestyle that took him to different places in search of true identity, much-deserved freedom, and lasting relationship. I made a nuance by claiming that you don’t have to go to a strange, foreign land in order to find yourself. All you have to do is to look at the rear view mirror and examine closely what you have become through the years, for in all truth and honesty, you will be confronted of the good or bad things that you haven’t figured out you were capable of doing in memories past. But going over the things that he has been through in the many places he visited, I’ve realized that it was not his exotic sojourn that really mattered, but the courage he had inside his heart that impelled him to face the obscure. What struck me in his journey was his audacity to leave behind his comforts zones and endured painstakingly all the stumbling blocks along the way, even if there wasn’t actually a clear-cut destination, as he relied solely his fate on the generosity and cruelty of those people whom he met in transition. His story was a triumph of the human spirit.

I am again dealing with the same reality at this very moment. It’s not that I also see myself in the crossroads but a series of unforeseen events that happened lately made me think about this “losing and finding” phenomenon. Yesterday, I was surprised to receive a call from the Pastoral Secretariat Office, telling me that there was somebody who was in dire need of advice that I hurriedly went down from my room to know who it was. I saw “Nick” (name withheld for confidential reasons) sitting by the chair, hugging his backpack, looking desperate and miserly as he was introduced to me. When we had a talk, he poured out everything to me, as if we’ve known each other for quite some time. He was from Quezon Province and he ran away from home because of a serious marital problem with his wife. His conscience bothered him so much that he opted to leave behind his loved ones in order to ponder upon his misgivings, and to eventually pick up the pieces of his broken self once again. He told me that before he went here, he was actually in a state of indecision whether he would be taking the bus going to Baguio or the bus going to Iloilo City.

He chose the unfamiliar. After the long, gruelling hours of ill-at-ease sitting position and sleeplessness inside the boat, he finally arrived at Iloilo City with bleak knowledge of what’s in store for him in the next days, weeks or even months. He was able to reach the parish office guided by the word, “Jaro”, which he overheard from his folks at home as he rode a passenger jeepney that passed by the Cathedral. The rest is history.

He told me that he wanted to stay here in Iloilo City for a while because he wanted to find himself again. His brokenness had prodded him to change directions and confront the paradox of letting himself be stumped in the sea of uncertainties with a fervent hope that one morning, he will wake up from his nightmare and see his life in a different light. It is indeed a long road to freedom and redemption for Nick but I believe in grace, providence and intervention of the Divine Master. Besides, He was the one who brought Nick to this foreign place.

At this very moment, Nick expressed to me that he has to lose a lot of himself as he gets to know the people in his new environment. This decision could possibly be the initial step that will help him find his way home soon. I am helping him because I am optimistic that I will also learn from this experience. By accompanying him to his journey towards self-rediscovery, I might also uncover a lot of things about myself.

His story does not end here. It is just the beginning.

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21st Hearbeat

HEARTBEATS

LETTING GO AND MOVING ON

April 17, 2009. I am setting myself adrift on memory bliss. I just realize that it is already one year since my departure from San Jose Seminary. I thought all the while that it will really take me several months before I could finally move on from my emotional baggages, but here I am now, loving again the people, the places, and the experiences I left behind eight years ago when I braved the overcrowded jungle of Metro Manila in search of identity, freedom, and independence. This was the exact date when I was whining inside the taxi cab on my way to the domestic airport because of the sadness I felt inside my heart and the many uncertainties I entertained at the back of my mind. My worry then was the recurring question of whether I will be able to blend in to an environment that turned out to be unfamiliar once again because I have been away for a very long time. In my usual musings, this is what I wrote in my blog as I pondered on the first of the Resurrection appearances of Jesus Christ, the time when he appeared to Mary Magdalene and the other Mary:

Ronald Rolheiser is one of the greatest spiritual writers of his time. In his book, The Holy Longing, I was particularly struck by his idea on the Spirituality of the Paschal Mystery and I’d like to quote the last part of chapter 7 (Which he also quoted from John Shea):

Mary Magdala meets the resurrected Jesus. Initially, she does not know who he is and she supposes him to be the gardener, but immediately upon recognizing him, she tries to throw her arms around him. Jesus, for his part, tells her: “Mary, do not cling to me!”
What lies behind Jesus’ reluctance to let Mary touch him? Mary Magdala herself, had we ever found her gospel, would I suspect, explain it this way:

I never suspected
Resurrection
And to be so painful
To leave me weeping
With joy
To have met you, alive and smiling, outside an empty tomb
With regret
Not because I’ve lost you
But because I’ve lost you in how I had you—
In understandable, touchable, kissable, “clingable” flesh
Not as fully Lord, but as graspably human
I want to cling, despite your protest
cling to your body
cling to what we had, our past
But I know that…if I cling
You cannot ascend and
I will be left clinging to your former self
…unable to receive your present spirit.

I decided to leave San Jose Seminary this day. It’s not that my presence is already unwanted or my flight back to Iloilo will be tomorrow or the day after next. It’s just that the more I stay here, the more I am being tormented by my pain of separation.

The seminary has been my home for quite some time. This is where I grew up and came to grapple with so many realities in life. This is where I experienced genuine friendship and communion; not only with my fellow brothers in the community but with the people I served in our apostolate. This is where I can truly be myself because these people have taught me how to be authentic…constantly showing me fraternal concern and love. Hence, I am confident enough to say that this place didn’t hide anything from me for I was told the truth- the truth about God, myself and others.

At times, it’s painful to let go of something that has become so customary for me. Parting is never easy at this very moment. The fact that I have to go home to my diocese and start a new life again is an excruciating task. It’s rather simple to give in to my comfort zones and stay with people whom I have been familiar with in the past five years. But then, I am confronted by the fact that life is a journey and the more I cut short my succeeding steps…the more I look back to those I will leave behind, the less I grow. It has always been a recurring transition on my part and sometimes, I would nag the Lord that he would let me stay in one place. I have told him many, many times that I am afraid of change…that I dread the future because of the pain and the uncertainty it brings. Yet, he would often tell me, “DO NOT CLING TO THESE THINGS…You will never get to enjoy my promises if you keep on embracing your emotional attachments….your damn good yesterdays that keep you from facing your hopeful tomorrow….”

In my anguish…

I keep on affirming,
Amidst the constant hellos and goodbyes,
That parting can really leave a deep wound in my heart
An insufferable pain
Which keeps on crippling my human spirit
At times, I’d rather stay in my nostalgia
Because I am too afraid to see my loved ones go
And utterly witness their transformation over time

That is why I hate the relentless transitions of my existence
And I always tell my friends, “Please don’t ever change!”
Yet, it would rather be unfair on their part
Inasmuch as I would want them to stay the same
The delightful, endearing, jovial, valuable friends
Who have taught me a lot on life and love
I just have to let go
Allowing them to move on with their new lives too

All that’s left for me are the memories
The tears that well from our eyes
After a hard laugh
Or an intense sorrow over our losses
The lazy afternoons where we used to gather and share even our deepest thoughts
…Over a cup of coffee or an ice-cold juice
The hugs, the comforting words, the assurance
In times when I had given up my hope
…Because of life’s eventual tragedies
The smiles, the cheers, the laughs
The funny things we did to beat the monotony
Nevertheless, these are just blue prints…a binding proof
Of how much I was loved…and how I loved in return
They may leave an indelible mark in my heart
But I cannot bring them back anymore
…The way I wanted them to be

Two days from now, I will go home for good. But part of me is holding on to the things I will be leaving in San Jose Seminary. “Sometimes, I can’t stop myself from hoping for yesterday to comeback especially when yesterday was the only future I ever wanted and needed from the start”, but life must go on. It’s nice to confine myself with what I have been used to but I am also aware that there are a lot of people in the City of Love who are waiting for my heart…and it would be wrong to deprive them of that care and affection I gave to the place I called “home” for five long years.

The challenge for me at this very moment is to open up my human core again and perhaps undergo the usual process of loving and losing. Napakalawak ng saklaw ng pag-ibig at ang kawalan ay isa lamang sa mga aspeto nito…I think I will learn more from its unfathomable mystery. No wonder, love is coupled with forever…

I just have to let go and move on for a promise of a better future awaits me. I am optimistic that in God’s time, I will be fully healed from my emotional baggages.

There’ life after San Jose Seminary…

365 days later, the conviction that “there is indeed life after San Jose Seminary” still holds true for me, and like the Resurrection of Jesus Christ, I am enjoying this “new” life I have in the City of Love.

I have learned to let go and move on.

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20th Heartbeat

KENOSIS

“Though he was in the form of God, Jesus did not deem equality with God something to be grasped at. Rather he emptied himself and took the form of the slave, being born in the likeness of men. He was known to be of human estate, and it was thus that he humbled himself, obediently accepting even death, death on the cross! Because of this God highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name above every other name, So that at Jesus’ name every name must bend, in the heavens on the earth, and under the earth, and every tongue proclaim to the glory of God the Father: JESUS CHRIST IS LORD!”

(Philippians 2: 6-11; Canticle for Sunday Evening Prayer 1, Week Four, Liturgy of the Hours)

This prayer had a very little impact on me before. It sounded more like a cliché because we often recite it when we gather for vespers in our small chapel by the attic every Saturday night. My classmate even used this text in order to make an impression to our elderly speech instructor when we had our final oral examination. Out of ignorance of the scriptures, she thought all the while that it was original and eventually, she sold on everything about his delivery. And yet, through the years, I came to discover that this was highly theological especially in the field of Christology, in the study of Jesus Christ in terms of historicity and condition of faith. From this elaborate statement in one of the letters of St. Paul, emerged a frequently contested term that was coined from Greek language which basically means “emptying”.

In Christian theology, Kenosis is the concept of the ’self-emptying’ of one’s own will and becoming entirely receptive to God and his perfect will. It is used both as an explanation of the Incarnation, and an indication of the nature of God’s activity and condescension. Mystical theologian John of the Cross‘ work “Dark Night of the Soul” is a particularly lucid explanation of God’s process of transforming the believer into the icon or “likeness of Christ”. [i]

To illustrate this further, Charles T. Buntin, an ordained Baptist Minister made a nice analogy about the self-emptying made by Jesus Christ. In his research work that was posted on line, he made an illustration of Jesus as if He were a policeman going under cover in a bad neighborhood; the Kenosis doctrine has the policeman leaving his weapons at home, along with his badge and other symbols of authority. He can call on headquarters for help, but he himself is helpless and defenceless. He actually has this “lethal weapon”, for he is a martial arts expert who can kill with a blow–he is skilled on the level that he can reach within a man’s chest and pull out his still-beating heart–he can defeat multiple opponents. He can leave his I.D., badge, uniform, etc., behind, but he cannot cease to be the walking weapon that he is. He looks normal, he appears as helpless as the first policeman, but he has the ability within himself to defend himself. He might choose to call for help; he might even choose to allow himself to be shackled, hurt or killed for the good of the mission–but he has the ability within himself to defeat his enemies. [ii]

Putting it concretely in the life of Jesus Christ, he could’ve done something when he was on trial or when he was “up there” on the cross. He could’ve used his divine power to inflict harm on his detractors. He could’ve called for His Father’s help in order that he may be spared from the cruel hands of the Jewish authorities. But then, Jesus made a life-changing decision, not so much for himself but for humanity. This ultimate sacrifice, this unparalleled self-denial has made all the paradoxes in life seemed sensible and relevant, particularly in the way man perceives pain, suffering and sacrifice. Thus, the glorification of the Father became palpable and imminent because the Paschal Mystery of Jesus Christ has brought about greater life for humanity.

I am saying all of these because we can never truly appreciate the gifts of Easter if we separate these to the suffering, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ on the Cross. A common approach may leave us jaded and would understand this event in the cultural milieu, but the celebration of the Lenten Season is more than just a Filipino heritage, of what we usually enjoy as an eye candy or a concupiscence to our senses everytime we witness the series of rituals inside the church that draws thousands of people in fulfilment of their yearly obligation or the majestic processions along the streets where we hear endless clicks of cameras as photographers and tourists helplessly aim for a best shot. It is always in the context of God’s salvific plan wherein this sacrifice was made by His Son on the cross more than two thousand years ago. It is not an isolated event in the past that we just keep on re-enacting. It is on-going reality in our personal lives, with a fervent hope that someday, we will all savor the never-ending happiness and eternal life in heaven, as we continue to unfold the many mysteries of life in our earthly journey. It is an invitation for all of us to consider the fact that we are indeed an Easter people, and this attestation would basically imply God’s immense love for all of us. Perhaps, it is nice to go back to the beautiful lines of the letter which St. Paul addressed to the first Christians in the Macedonian city of Philippi since it explains to us passionately the meaning of Kenosis and to whom this Kenosis was intended for.

As we celebrate Christ’s glorious Resurrection and Triumph over sin and death, may we always go back to the very reason why He did it for us and be grateful for this gift of salvation. The Kenosis which Jesus himself embraced should be a constant reminder and invitation for all of us that being an Easter people, we too have to embrace our own Kenosis, our own self-emptying.“The fact that the Lord Jesus Christ is in Glory occupied with us should lead us into a holy life which glorifies Him. That loving eye is never withdrawn from us. If we were to remember this constantly, what a power this would be in our lives!”(A.C. Gaebelein)

HAPPY EASTER TO ALL!!!!

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19th Heartbeat

TO A NEW YOU!!!!

Ever wish you had your own spiritual guide for your personal journey and transformation this Holy Week?

There’s a nice article taken from the magazine, The U.S. Catholic, entitled “40 days to a new you!” that features the compelling thoughts of famous spiritual writers of our time. In my column this week, I’d like to share some of these reflections for you to ponder especially this Holy Season. I do hope that these will serve as an inspiration on how you can make this week a prayerful and meaningful one, not just for yourself, but also for your family and your community. I encourage you to read with a contemplative heart that continues to beat after the rhythm of God’s unconditional love.

FOCUSING ON ONE THING ONLY

Six months ago, I lived a simple life of a pilgrim, walking 450 miles on the Camino de Santiago in Northern Spain. During those seven weeks all I did each day was walk towards St. James Cathedral in Santiago. I didn’t have to hurry madly to get there, pit myself against the walking pace of other pilgrims, or worry if my clothes were fashionable. I had just one main thing to do: walk. It took 10 days before my distracted self finally “just walked”. From then on, little else occupied my mind and my heart. It was the most focused and free I have ever been.

Since returning home, I see how easy it is to succumb to the subtle cravings of my superficially-oriented culture. It seduces me to clutter up my life, dress in a certain way, be knowledgeable on every subject, scurry around as busily as everyone else, and work in a frenetic fashion. When I give in to these things, I am thrown off balance. I lose my peace and sense of inner direction. I lack charity in my spiritual goals, forget the truths preached by Jesus, and experience frustratin days of self-orientation.

Lent is a time to clear away the cultural debris that disoriented me on the Christian path. The Lenten acts of deprivation I choose are of little value unless they help my mind and heart to be more attentive and focused on one thing only: to walk the gospel message- to love as Jesus loved. All else is secondary.

-Joyce Rupp

DYING AND RISING

Lord, help us to see in your Crucifixion and Resurrection an example of how to endure and seemingly to die in the agony and conflict of daily life so that we may live more fully and creatively. You accepted patiently and humbly the rebuffs of human life, as well as the tortures of your Crucifixion and Passion. Help us to accept the pains and conflicts that come to us each day as opportunities to grow as people and become more like you. Enable us to through them patiently and bravely, trusting that you will support us. Make us realize that it is only by frequent deaths of ourselves and our self-centered desires that we can come to live more fully; for it is only by dying with you that we can rise with you.

-Mother Teresa of Calcutta

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SILENCE AND SOLITUDE

Set aside an opportune time for deep personal reflection, and think often about God’s many benefits on you. Give up all the light and frivolous matters, and read what inspires you to repentance of soul and not just what entertains the mind. If you abstain from unnecessary conversation and useless visiting, as well as from listening to idle news and gossip, you will find sufficient and suitable time for your meditations. The great sins avoided the company of men as much as they could, because they wanted to live for God in silence.

-Thomas Kempis

CHOOSE TO LOVE

Christ said, “Go and give all you have to the poor and become the servant of all”, for if you do that, you’ll become a thousand times richer because your happiness won’t be made just of good food, rich clothes, satisfied vanity, and appeased envy. Instead, it will be built on love, love multiplied by love without end. And then you will gain not just riches but the whole world. Today, we amass material things without ever satisfying our greed, and then we madly squander all we have amassed. But a day will come when there will be no orphans, no beggars; everyone will be as one of my own family, everyone will be my brother or sister, and that is when I will have gained everything and everyone.

-Fyodor M. Dostoevsky

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