27th Heartbeat

GOD ALONE IS PERMANENT

Pain, sorrow, and death are inseparable. In the many funeral masses that I presided, these three dreadful things are often heard from utterances of family and friends of the deceased person. Inasmuch as I wanted to ease out the sadness of those who mourn for the passing away of their beloved through my repetitive discourses and predictable rationalizations about what our faith and morals have to say about those who have gone before us, I am left with a conclusion that a person should just accept the obvious assertion that pain, sorrow and death are realities of life for nothing is spared from the verdict of fate or the passage of time.

Honestly, I myself could not even explain concretely any of these things. They are more of a mystery that should continuously be unfolded, with a slim chance of making sense of everything because the understanding of pain, suffering and death is always relative. In my own experience, I can say that at times, pain can cripple my spirit so much that it is hard for me to objectify things as I let myself feel helpless with what I have gone through. Sorrow can plunge me into that twisted state of grief as I express my endless litany of anguish and regret. Death gives me an intermittent fear that hinders my capacity to ruminate progressively because I am entertaining the fact that at the end of my life here on earth, everything will turn out to be a baloney. I know it’s easy to reason out to people what I know about these things based on what I have learned from school and from experience, but you see this perplexity still gets into my nerves, making me swear that I don’t have answers to these baffling presentiments of human existence.

But I can somehow shed light to these recurring confusions through a song. Music has influenced my way of thinking through the years because there are certain intricacies of life which only poetry, lyrics and melody could best articulate. Songs are euphemisms that do not necessarily appeal to an individual’s intellectual scrutiny. Oftentimes, it’s just a matter of trying to get hold of those tunes and lines in a person’s mind and heart, allowing the song to speak for itself.

I happen to hear one song that would best convey the reality of pain, sorrow and death. It does not offer a tangible solution to a problem or a viable diagnosis for self-help but it allows the person to discover that behind all these “dreadful things” there’s somebody who is far greater and powerful if only one has the gift to read between the metaphorical depictions. It was intentionally written as a tribute for somebody who died but as I went through the lyrics, there is one important line that really caught my attention and moved me to ponder on the many pains, sorrows and deaths I also endured in my personal life: EVERYTHING is temporary. Only GOD is permanent.

Allow me to share the rest of the lyrics:

Is this the moment where I look you in the eye?
Forgive my broken promise that you’ll never see me cry
And everything, it will surely change
Even if I tell you I won’t go away today

Will you think that you’re all alone
When no one’s there to hold your hand?
When all you know seems so far away
And everything is temporary, rest your head
I’m permanent

I know he’s living in hell every single day
And so I ask, oh God is there some way for me to take his place?
And when they say it’s all touch and go
I wish I could make it go away but still you say

Will you think that you’re all alone
When no one’s there to hold your hand?
When all you know seems so far away
And everything is temporary, rest your head
I’m permanent, I’m permanent

Is this the moment where I look you in the eye?
Forgive my promise that you’ll never see me cry

I believe the song is very much related to the prayer of Saint Teresa of Avila which would also speak of one’s stability, sufficiency and permanence in God:

May nothing disturb you (Nada te turbe)
May nothing astonish you (Nada te espante)
Everything passes (Todo se pasa)

God does not go away (Dios no se muda)
Patience (La paciencia)
can attain anything (todo lo alcanza)
He who has God within, (Quien a Dios tiene)
does not lack anything (nada le falta)
God is enough! (Solo Dios basta)

Pain, sorrow and death are inevitable realities but they are temporary. No matter what happens, God alone is permanent.

Uncategorized | Comment (0)

26th Heartbeat

THE STORY OF tWO eXTREMES

The First Extreme:

According to statistics, 30.6 million Filipinos or 6.12 million families are suffering from poverty. In a nation composed of 78 provinces, 84 cities and 41,940 barangays, 40 percent of people live below the poverty line. There are about 77 million Filipinos today, and this number is growing by 2.05 percent annually. This means that some 1.5 million Filipinos are born every year, 600,000 of whom to poor parents. Some 32.5 million Filipinos, comprising 66.3 percent of the population, are considered matured enough to work. But 3.3 million of these people, or 10.1 percent of the workforce, cannot find jobs while 5.2 million others, or 17.7 percent, have no regular source of income. According to the World Bank, the Philippines had a per capita GNP of US$1,050 in 1999, compared to China’s US$780, Indonesia’s US$600, Vietnam’s US$370, Lao’s US$290 or Cambodia’s US$280. Yet, the Philippines’ poverty incidence rate of 40 percent is higher than China’s 3 percent, Indonesia’s 23 percent, Vietnam’s 37 percent, Lao’s 38 percent or Cambodia’s 36 percent. Among Southeast Asian countries, poverty incidence is most extreme in the Philippines where some 15.3 million Filipinos (half of the poor population) wake up every morning without food on the table. These people are called subsistence individuals or whose income cannot provide for basic food requirements. Popcom’s data is even conservative because in its interpretation, a family of six earning a total of P72,000 a year is not considered poor. In contrast, a study conducted by the National Wages and Productivity Commission (NWPC) pegged the minimum income that a family of six must earn annually at P191,874 in order to live decently in Metro Manila. [i]

I am overwhelmed by the figures. I never thought that our economic condition would be this bad even if the data I have stated above was published eight years ago. Now, it’s 2009 and I don’t think that there was really a significant change that took place over the years. I do not want to appear cynical but the social status and living conditions of our Filipino brothers and sisters would testify to this sad plight of our country.

The Second Extreme:

The Philippines is proud to display her sprawling shopping malls, with three being included in the listing of the World’s Largest Shopping Malls. It’s ironic for a tiny country in the South Pacific to come up with such gigantic structures where one can indulge himself to luxury and give in to the concupiscence of his eyes. Based on the figures, there are more than 200 shopping malls scattered in the three major islands of the country. In 2008, a shopping mall giant boasts its 7 percent increase in profits with a consolidated net income of 6. 4 billion pesos (in comparison with the 6 billion pesos net profit in 2007). Even with the occurring global financial crisis, the mall giant achieved its goals and sustained its expansion in 2008. The company performed fairly well and was able to deliver on its targets and objectives due mainly to the unwavering support of its loyal customers, tenants, suppliers, shareholders and employees. [ii]

I am again overwhelmed by the figures. It’s not that I am totally dismayed about this expeditious upsurge of shopping malls in our country. In fact, it is good news because despite the poverty information that left us grumbling and spiteful of our economic situation, we have to face the fact that they are signs of progress. Even if the statistics would put us to shame; some of us could still afford to buy their own little luxuries or even go beyond the limits of spending. In a country disparaged by scarcity and destitution, extravagance is still very much included in our daily vocabulary. And mind you, I don’t excuse myself for this reality.

I am sharing this because I had a poignant experience last week when I had my short break in Metro Manila. I had the chance to stroll around the newly built San Miguel by the Bay, located at the back of SM Mall of Asia. It is actually a long chain of restaurants, coffee shops, and bars where you just have to walk comfortably and choose what will possibly tickle your fancy. I was surprised to see a lot of people coming from different places, barging into the doors of their favorite “hang outs”, meeting their folks, friends and colleagues—eating, drinking, and cheering till wee hours in the morning. I just wondered if these people were really experiencing this so called “pangs of abject poverty” when they could spend so much on food and liquor, while the rest are suffering from hunger, homelessness and distress. While looking at them, I kept on saying to myself: “Amo gid man ini kaimol ang Pilipinas?” It was really mind-boggling for me since I was caught between being conventional to the figures because statistics basically don’t lie! or simply become a disbeliever for the reason that I didn’t feel this vagrant attitude from the crowd that surrounded me.

This is indeed a story of two extremes. Nevertheless, I learned so much from this experience because as I furthered along the extensive boulevard, I saw groups of people who were just sitting by the concrete wall facing the calm and unruffled Manila Bay, gazing at the stars with just few packs of local chips or crackers, and a liter of soft drinks they bought from a nearby convenience shop. They seemed happy too and they were also enjoying every moment they spent on that area despite the fact that they decided to choose frugality over extravagance. Oddly enough, I could not tell whether they were really underprivileged since they looked decent. I don’t know if it was an intended dissension to those who were spoiling themselves in posh restaurants, coffee shops, and bars, but turning their backs from lavishness was evocative of the things they truly appreciated and valued in life.

Based on these two extremes, two realizations surfaced:

1.)Happiness is a choice even in the face of poverty and;

2.)There are certain things in life that money can’t buy.

Uncategorized | Comment (0)

25th Heart Beat

A series of Unfortunate Events

Just how unfortunate is unfortunate?

I had a funny experience this week.

Tuesday morning. I went inside my room after my 5:30 mass in order to catch up some more sleep in compensation to my frequent insomnia attacks (drinking coffee during late afternoons could be the possible culprit!) but before I had finally lost myself into the oblivion, my instincts woke me up as I saw water outpouring from my toilet. I feebly jumped out of my bed and looked for alternatives that could possibly stop the unexpected flow. Good thing there was this rubber plumber, and I was grateful to the person who invented this minimal yet brilliant device that put an end to many household congestions. But just when I thought that everything will be fine by my seemingly endless “thrusting, pumping and siphoning”, the water grew in an unexplainable level that some of the things under my bed were soaking wet.After a struggle of whether to tell everyone about this or solving it by myself for the dread of embarrassment, I decided to ask help from Nong Hamot but there was no way for the water to be completely drained into the gutter. In a pathetic attempt to lessen the volume, I painstakingly scooped the overflow with my dipper as I filled the pail with murky water and yet, to no avail.

Helpless, I went down to look for other viable means of clearing up my mess, only to find out that the outflow has reached the Pastoral Secretariat Office and the Parish Hall, drenching the files, documents, PC Monitor and CPU. The parish staff had to dismantle everything and dry them under the sun in order to avoid short circuit or electrocution. There was a commotion that took place this day and I was deeply troubled to see them examining every parts of the computer, with apprehensions that those that were soaked might not be functioning anymore.

Verging on self-pity, I kept on blaming myself for the sad plight brought about by my stupid efforts of trying to get hold of everything. I really had a bad day and I just had to deal with it, as my ego tussled with my conscience for screwing up the surge of what seemed to be a normal, typical day for most. I don’t know whether I should laugh or be distressed for the consequences caused by a single, awkward event that took place in a life of struggling parochial vicar who wanted to make sense of his misfortunes and surrender everything to grace- hoping, wishing, and praying that tomorrow will be a better day. At the end of it all, I just gave myself a deep sigh as I reassured myself of that fervent belief in God’s Providence.

Indeed, it was beyond my limits. And it made me realize that I was more of a control freak.

The next day, I rouse up still having second thoughts whether things will be better or I should prepare myself for more misfortunes, but deep in my heart, the joy of having to learn life’s valuable lessons amidst adversities was something that remained constant and unchanging. I will not whine this time because I was given that vigour to continue believing in GRACE.

Misfortune is never mournful to the soul that accepts it; for such do always see that every cloud is an angel’s face. (Lydia M. Child)

Uncategorized | Comment (0)

24th Heartbeat

LOSING AND FINDING (the conclusion)home-by-chris-daughtry-acoustic

If you have found yourself already in the crossroads and seemed to be satisfied with the things that you have learned from your journey, would you move forward to those paths of uncertainties or go back to where you actually belong?

This question is rather relative particularly to the person who has placed himself in this situation. It’s easy to choose between opposites because you can always go for something that is more desirable or less evil but then, there’s a great dilemma if you are made to choose between things that are equally ideal and enviable.If you choose to move on, you will definitely encounter a lot more people, places and experiences that may contribute to your desire of becoming a good person. If you choose to go home, you will heal those persistent longings in your heart and be reunited with the persons who have become customary in your life. There is a constant battle amid man’s unprecedented search for change and stability, worth and acceptance, yearning and contentment, wonder and familiarity, principle and authenticity. Change can bring you to places you have never been before but stability can make you realize where you truly rest. Worth can define your relevance as a person but acceptance can give you something which you don’t actually deserve. Yearning can impel you to crave, to learn, and to feel for more, but contentment can make your life a little less complicated. Wonder can embellish every lobes of your probing mind but familiarity can make you remember the things in nostalgia. Principle can keep your belief in a particular certainty unbroken but authenticity can let you see on the other side. To go on with the journey of a thousand miles can make you see the world in a whole lot of perspectives but to go home is to feel once again the loving embrace of those whom you have left behind. There is no right or wrong in these choices. It’s just that one has to follow his heart. What appeared to be a knotty soul-searching for Nick turned out to be an option that involved his human core.

Obviously, he chose home.

Two days after we had our serious conversation, he decided to pack his bag again, bought a plane ticket and went home to Sariaya, Quezon with much willingness to be reconciled with his wife. In my judgment, I can surmise that his detour here in Iloilo City could just be a product of his fickle mind but I set aside my reason for a while and gave him the benefit of the doubt. What is important for me right now is the fact that his wife loved him so much that she is willing to give another chance to their relationship provisionally wrecked by selfishness, deception, infidelity and hatred.

I haven’t heard from Nick anymore but I believe that meeting his wife once again was a sweet reunion. He may have lost his way but love has shown him everything he needed to know about himself and brought him home.

Home is where the heart is. I remember them in my prayers.

Uncategorized | Comment (1)

23rd Heartbeat

LOSING AND FINDING (episode two)

If you ended up in a place where there’s a possible chance of finding yourself, will you turn your back from your painful past and move on immediately, or will you face it squarely before you take your succeeding steps?

As what I have mentioned in my column last week, the journey of Nick to Iloilo City was just the beginning of his desire of finding himself as he confronted his personal issues which resulted in an ill-fated whim that almost destroyed his family. That ardent need for making sense of everything that had happened prompted him to jostle his travelling bag and left home with a keen hope of starting anew his life that was crumbled into portions of hatred, disgust, shame and regret. And thus, he found himself in an unusual place, desperately seeking for somebody who will listen to his angst and will not judge him as a person. Being an ex-seminarian, he sought comfort to a place where he truly believed he can be safe: Jaro Cathedral.

The Contradiction

Nick’s conscience bothered him so much that he kept on telling me that he has no courage to ease things out with his wife. He just left without informing anybody where he was heading to. There was a constant battle between pride and guilt inside his heart that he was still unable to discern the next steps he will going to take as he begins his apparently “new” life in this place that seemed to be full of uncertainties for him. His guilt crippled his ego because of the fact that his wife loved him so much and yet he still ended up being unfaithful to their marriage. He could no longer contain his conscience that his pride impelled him to run away from home because he thought all the while that going back would only worsen the situation. He was unsure whether he will still be accepted after all that he has done. When he shared all of these things to me, he also pleaded if I could help him look for a boarding house where he can stay at the moment while pondering on the things he will do in the succeeding days. Good thing we were able to find one somewhere in Bolilao. We helped him settle everything and left him soon enough because his sunken eyes and weary face gave a signal that he was indeed very tired from the trip.

The Real Deal

In our conversation, Nick told me that all he ever wanted was a happy and gratifying married life, part of which is to have a child. Unfortunately, his wife had a fertility problem and this started everything. He felt insecure about himself because that dream of having a baby turned out to be elusive for both of them. The wife suggested to opt for an adoption but he never gave in to her prodding. He became compulsive as he threatened his wife that he will be leaving her if she will not give him a child. He found himself in complete disillusionment that one day he fell in love with another woman. He packed his things, left his wife and stayed with his mistress with the ideal that he could still fulfil his dream of having a complete family. But soon enough, the woman told him that although she was able to conceive, yet she was not prepared for it. She asked Nick to wait until that waiting became days, weeks and months. His hope of finally having a child of his own became a reason for despair. When he finally woke up from his folly because of the senseless decisions that he has made, he remembered his wife and that painful reality has tormented him even more. Now, he is blaming himself for all the mess that he has done and cried profusely over the things that he has lost.

The Challenge

Now that he found himself in the crossroads, with yet another opportunity to decide what’s best for him and for his wife, Nick finally confronted the ghosts of his past. He realized that running away from his scruples will never give him freedom and peace of mind. His decision of leaving his wife for another woman was the most selfish thing to do because he was only catering to his needs and indeed, he was being unfair. He thought he could find solace in the things that could justify his disloyalty and unfaithfulness but later on, he found out that he had pangs of regret as he hated himself even more. The challenge for him right now is whether to continue to search for his self-worth in ambiguity because of that need of finding “more” about himself or to simply go home and recover those that he has lost in his precarious journey.

To be concluded next week…

Uncategorized | Comment (0)