23rd Heartbeat

LOSING AND FINDING (episode two)

If you ended up in a place where there’s a possible chance of finding yourself, will you turn your back from your painful past and move on immediately, or will you face it squarely before you take your succeeding steps?

As what I have mentioned in my column last week, the journey of Nick to Iloilo City was just the beginning of his desire of finding himself as he confronted his personal issues which resulted in an ill-fated whim that almost destroyed his family. That ardent need for making sense of everything that had happened prompted him to jostle his travelling bag and left home with a keen hope of starting anew his life that was crumbled into portions of hatred, disgust, shame and regret. And thus, he found himself in an unusual place, desperately seeking for somebody who will listen to his angst and will not judge him as a person. Being an ex-seminarian, he sought comfort to a place where he truly believed he can be safe: Jaro Cathedral.

The Contradiction

Nick’s conscience bothered him so much that he kept on telling me that he has no courage to ease things out with his wife. He just left without informing anybody where he was heading to. There was a constant battle between pride and guilt inside his heart that he was still unable to discern the next steps he will going to take as he begins his apparently “new” life in this place that seemed to be full of uncertainties for him. His guilt crippled his ego because of the fact that his wife loved him so much and yet he still ended up being unfaithful to their marriage. He could no longer contain his conscience that his pride impelled him to run away from home because he thought all the while that going back would only worsen the situation. He was unsure whether he will still be accepted after all that he has done. When he shared all of these things to me, he also pleaded if I could help him look for a boarding house where he can stay at the moment while pondering on the things he will do in the succeeding days. Good thing we were able to find one somewhere in Bolilao. We helped him settle everything and left him soon enough because his sunken eyes and weary face gave a signal that he was indeed very tired from the trip.

The Real Deal

In our conversation, Nick told me that all he ever wanted was a happy and gratifying married life, part of which is to have a child. Unfortunately, his wife had a fertility problem and this started everything. He felt insecure about himself because that dream of having a baby turned out to be elusive for both of them. The wife suggested to opt for an adoption but he never gave in to her prodding. He became compulsive as he threatened his wife that he will be leaving her if she will not give him a child. He found himself in complete disillusionment that one day he fell in love with another woman. He packed his things, left his wife and stayed with his mistress with the ideal that he could still fulfil his dream of having a complete family. But soon enough, the woman told him that although she was able to conceive, yet she was not prepared for it. She asked Nick to wait until that waiting became days, weeks and months. His hope of finally having a child of his own became a reason for despair. When he finally woke up from his folly because of the senseless decisions that he has made, he remembered his wife and that painful reality has tormented him even more. Now, he is blaming himself for all the mess that he has done and cried profusely over the things that he has lost.

The Challenge

Now that he found himself in the crossroads, with yet another opportunity to decide what’s best for him and for his wife, Nick finally confronted the ghosts of his past. He realized that running away from his scruples will never give him freedom and peace of mind. His decision of leaving his wife for another woman was the most selfish thing to do because he was only catering to his needs and indeed, he was being unfair. He thought he could find solace in the things that could justify his disloyalty and unfaithfulness but later on, he found out that he had pangs of regret as he hated himself even more. The challenge for him right now is whether to continue to search for his self-worth in ambiguity because of that need of finding “more” about himself or to simply go home and recover those that he has lost in his precarious journey.

To be concluded next week…

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