31st Heartbeat
RANDOM THOUGHTS
A lot of things have been going on in my mind and heart these past days. Is it pure fickle? I don’t think so! Let’s just say that I am privileged to have enough time to go back to my past experiences and I want to share these experiences with you….
ON FAITH
All my life I’ve been reflecting about faith. Culture and tradition have provided me with the essentials. Philosophers and theologians explained to me further its ambiguity and intricacy. I also had the opportunity to tackle various parallelisms and nuances about this constitutive dimension of man. But I don’t know what’s going on with my system why I keep on searching for more. It’s not that I’m not contented with what I’ve learned from school but let’s say that my day to day discoveries have impelled me to search for its deeper meaning. I can always use my reason to suffice everything but my heart tells me to look for something concrete and spontaneous.
God himself was the one who made things clear to me. In my dealings with ordinary people, I was able to affirm the fact that indeed, miracles do happen and faith can be as practical as our everyday life. I don’t have to experience the burning bush, the crossing of the Red Sea or the tongues of fire in order to believe in the wondrous deeds of God. I just have to open my eyes and acknowledge even the little and the trivial of things. I must admit that I’ve been struggling with my faith through the years. I’m always blinded by my meticulousness. But now, I realized that faith is simply being vulnerable, being open, and being susceptible to the promptings of God. With this conviction, I am able to transform my pains into consolations, my fears into hopes, my insecurities into self-assurance.
ON BEING VULNERABLE
There’s something behind a person’s tears which makes him truly human. The world can be harsh enough for us to exude our strength, courage, and endurance, but at times, life can be so meaningful if we try to give in to our soft spot. Things are clearly seen if we acknowledge the fact that indeed, we are in pain. For most of us, it can be triggered by specific day to day experiences but sad to say, there are some who doesn’t care at all and would allow the chance to pass by. We can always come up with endless defences whenever we are confronted by our feelings, but one’s growth will always be determined on how much he has gone deep into himself.
It’s my first time to see a friend weep. Those tiny trinkets that fell from his eyes revealed to me profound and innumerable truths about his being. Boys don’t cry…but only real men do.
ON FORGIVENESS
I am having issues with forgiveness right now. I don’t know if I have transformed myself into a vicious monster because of my pride and unwillingness to make up with persons who have caused me pain along the way. But I have realized that the art of forgiving is relative—and it would be pointless to settle an issue in the soonest time possible if the grudge continues to creep into every chambers of my heart. There are wounds that even time couldn’t heal…and in my belief, it would be better to let the stubbornness transform into openness at my own pace without forcing myself to resolve everything. At some point, it is against my upbringing but I just want to face the fact that I am human…that I am limited…that I am experiencing the dichotomy of life…and to come up with a clean slate in every relationship is too ideal, verging on illusory…
ON BEING A TRANSIENT
I have been living a transitory life lately and mind you, packing up my things every now and then is very stressful. It seems that time has become my enemy where I should race against it for the fear of losing the game. At a certain point, I am spared from emotional investments (and baggages as well!) but it alienates my mind and heart for exploring the various possibilities that could happen along the way, ending up with a remorse: “I should have known the place or the person better if only I have looked closely or have stayed longer”. There have been a lot of opportunities that passed my attention and I never got to savor even a tinge of those moments because I was in a hurry to depart for my next journey. I was confident enough that I will still have another glimpse of those that I have missed, but sad to say that I could no longer “pass twice the same river”. Again, I keep on telling my stubborn self, that I am not in total control of everything…and the new realities that my senses perceive each day are so precious and unique that that they will never remain unchanged tomorrow…my life is more of a hurdle where I focus myself so much on my destination, disregarding the joys and the struggles of my journey…
Moral lesson: As I travel along the road, I should allow my head to turn back once in a while so that my senses may have a better view of what the world has to offer…and perhaps, I should take time in smelling the flowers…
Uncategorized | Comment (0)30th Heartbeat
MY ALTER EGO
It is Father’s Day and allow me to share some few endearing thoughts about Papa.
To be honest, I’m actually having this difficulty in articulating everything that I know about him because of the fact that we’re not really that expressive in showing our feelings to each other and we’d rather content ourselves with the intermittent blank stares and one-liners which took me some time to figure out. We usually engage in a lengthy conversation when we argue something about the bible or world history or geography or mispronounced words in the English language. I know communication is not an issue for both of us but I’m quite idealistic with my views that I always ended up nagging for the things which he can’t actually give. I have always wanted him to be spontaneous and carefree but I realized that these would put so much pressure on him because in reality, he is quite reserved and introspective, traits which are totally at odds with my own personality. In my 29 years of dealing with him, I just have to face the fact that he’s not the effusive type who would hug me in public and who would swear in front of people that he truly loves his two sons and two daughters. But one thing’s for sure, though he never showed it in words and in actions, he has been devoted to us through the years in ways we can never imagine.
I had so many fond memories with Papa and perhaps, this space would not be enough to convey everything that I have to say. But just to trip down the memory lane a little bit, there are some remarkable moments that would leave me smiling every time I had the chance to indulge myself in reminiscence. When we were young, my brother and I would cry every time he would be giddy and frolicsome to us. He would wrestle with us in bed that we would often complain of his playfulness. He snuggles like a child probably because he is the youngest in the brood and he’s trying to claim the joy and freedom of his forgotten youth. His mother died when he was only 12. They were so hard up in life that he was made to sacrifice a lot of things. His older siblings could no longer support him financially because they also have families to attend to. He finished school because of his personal initiatives, but he wasn’t able to take the engineering board exams because he can’t afford to pay the fees. He worked as a security guard in a telephone company but when his colleagues found out that he has the skills of becoming a “CABLE SPLICER” (a term which I didn’t understand in my younger years but just left me with wonder everytime I would look at all of his certificates and awards for his excellence in cable splicing. I just thought to myself that maybe my father is a “Cable Guy”, like Jim Carrey), they recommended him to the management. The rest, they say is history.
He is a generous and faithful husband (though he can also be very stingy at times!). In the 40 years of his married life, coupled with recurring squabbles and war of the nerves with his wife, he remained loyal and honest. I will never forget the day when he told us that he has never failed in loving Nanay. He asserted with full conviction that he would never leave her side despite her misgivings. Right there and then, he has shown me what true love is—to love unconditionally the real and not the ideal. Zenaida will always be the woman of Felipe’s life. Their love story has inspired me so much that there was even a time when I wanted to compose a script and send it perhaps to a radio or television station in order to be immortalized.
On this special day, I just want to give him the due honor and respect. He is one of a kind and he will always be my inspiration. He has taught me a lot of things in life (hard work, persistence, determination, sacrifice, ingenuity, selflessness) and I owe him my vocation to the priesthood. Before, it is quite hard for me to reconcile with the fact that we share a lot of things in common (i.e. features, mannerisms, personality) and yet, very much different in certain respects (i.e. temperament, social skills, convictions) but later on, I have come into terms that I am more like him and I’m so proud to be his alter ego.
I have always wanted to be like my father.
Papa, Happy Father’s Day! I know I cannot say this out loud but let me assure you that I love you (and Nanay) so much.I am truly grateful to be your son.
29th Heartbeat
TO CATCH THE FISH, YOU HAVE TO DIG THE BAIT!
Ma’am Rose Piamonte and I went to different public schools this week. We wanted to make sure that there would be allotted slots for Catechism Classes in every grade or year for both elementary and secondary levels so that the Parish Catechetical Ministry will be of service to children and teen-agers, particularly in their growth in Catholic doctrine, morals, and worship. Good thing the principals were gracious enough to receive us although there were still some conflicts in terms of scheduling and we plan to iron things out by next week in order that our nine full time Catechists will start their mission smoothly and efficiently.
When we went around each campus, I’ve noticed that there were still problems as to the general set-up, repairs, and supplies (arm chairs, tables, shelves, and books) of some classrooms. There were even certain parts of the school building that were dilapidated but the teachers had no other choice but to use them because of the increasing number of students that they have to accommodate when the actual classes begin. Everyone indeed deserves an education but forcing one’s self into an undersized space with insufficient materials, with bits and pieces falling apart will cause so much discomfort that will eventually impede learning. I have only watched these situations on the television at the start of the school year with teachers complaining that their students don’t get what they actually deserve but now, I have been a witness to this recurring problem in our country. Perhaps in the past, I confined myself in my apathy because I am fortunate enough to have studied in a bigger classroom, with enough facilities for learning and with very limited number of students. But right now, I am all the more bothered because these poor children are also worthy of these privileges I had before. It is depressing to note that the sad plight of Filipino students are not given concrete solutions by the government and the inept educational system here in the Philippines turned out to be an enduring conundrum that has to be deciphered and resolved. It was ironic to see those individuals aiming for national or local leadership, swearing to the eager public their specific platforms if ever they will be elected but have not kept their promises later on because they were too “occupied” with their “self-serving” concerns. From their seemingly endless mumbling, the word “education” appeared to have a relevance to everybody because most would agree to that affirmation that educating the masses, particularly the young, could be the primary answer to poverty, and yet, up until now, this remains an elusive dream unless something real and substantial has to be done. In the end, all knows a donkey, which does not only subsist on hay, but on the constant yearning to learn despite the illiteracy and the persistent desire to have a better opportunity in life.
Few months ago, I was able to see a documentary that exposed the real classroom situation here in the Philippines, especially the school’s own way of coping with the global trend. There was an initiative made by the government to provide personal computers to schools in remote areas so that the children will familiarize themselves with the parts and mechanisms of the said devices. But the sad thing is, most of these computers are not working properly and if ever they are really working, there is no teacher competent enough to teach the students how to use them. It is unfortunate to think that this presumed ingenuity is more of a baloney, and computers are no longer tools that will bring the outdated into the future, but a pretence that will remind our poor brothers and sisters how ignorant they are in terms of technology and in the long run, will affect the way they see themselves and the way they see the world. In order to help people muddle through the evolution of learning, it is not sufficient to provide them with the existing materials, but to provide them with better opportunities. It is also important to instil in their minds that just like anybody else on this planet, they are capable to make a difference in their seemingly helpless situation. The real essence of providing assistance is not just to give something out of charity, but to help those who are underprivileged how to help themselves. Our problem has always been systemic and it is essential that we, Filipinos must realize that there should be concrete measures that have to be carried out in order that our lives will be a lot better and meaningful.
To end this, I’d like to go back to what Jesus taught his disciples in the Gospel of Matthew. We are truly aware that in order to give emphasis to his teachings, Jesus at times uses parables, and one of these is the Parable of Talents. I believe that it is not just a story that imparts wisdom but it is also a wakeup call for those who wanted to do something sensible and productive in their lives, especially for our leaders who have the responsibility of providing education to the masses.
“Again, the Kingdom of Heaven can be illustrated by the story of a man going on a trip. He called together his servants and gave them money to invest for him while he was gone.He gave five bags of gold to one, two bags of gold to another and one bag of gold to the last–dividing it in proportion to their abilities–and then left on his trip. The servant who received the five bags of gold began immediately to invest the money and soon doubled it.The servant with two bags of gold also went right to work and doubled the money.But the servant who received the one bag of gold dug a hole in the ground and hid the master’s money for safekeeping.After a long time their master returned from his trip and called them to give an account of how they had used his money.The servant to whom he had entrusted the five bags of gold said, `Sir, you gave me five bags of gold to invest, and I have doubled the amount!’ The master was full of praise. `Well done, my good and faithful servant. You have been faithful in handling this small amount, so now I will give you many more responsibilities. Let’s celebrate together!’“Next came the servant who had received the two bags of gold, with the report, `Sir, you gave me two bags of gold to invest, and I have doubled the amount.’ The master said, `Well done, my good and faithful servant. You have been faithful in handling this small amount, so now I will give you many more responsibilities. Let’s celebrate together!’ Then the servant with the one bag of gold came and said, `Sir, I know you are a hard man, harvesting crops you didn’t plant and gathering crops you didn’t cultivate.I was afraid I would lose your money, so I hid it in the earth and here it is.’“But the master replied, `you wicked and lazy servant! You think I’m a hard man, do you, harvesting crops I didn’t plant and gathering crops I didn’t cultivate?Well, you should at least have put my money into the bank so I could have some interest. Take the money from this servant and give it to the one with the ten bags of gold.To those who use well what they are given, even more will be given, and they will have abundance. But from those who are unfaithful, even what little they have will be taken away.”
We can come up with a lot of interpretations when we ponder deeply on the message of the Gospel but there is one compelling implication that continuously affect and challenge me personally: “There are plenty of fishes in the sea but TO CATCH THE FISH, YOU HAVE TO DIG THE BAIT!”
Uncategorized | Comment (0)28th Heart Beat
Exodus
My eldest sister left already for London. I can see the pain in her eyes as she brought her son back to Iloilo early this week because of the delay in the issuance of the travel visa. The British Embassy in Manila advised her to wait until August in order to make sure that everything will be ready by then. She thought to herself that the waiting would be unnecessary though she still wanted to prolong her vacation at home. She had no choice but to bequeath her two-month old baby in the meantime because she obliged herself to return back to work in the soonest time possible, defying the recommendations of her doctors to rest for few more months, so that she could pay her escalating household bills.
People would claim that being in a foreign land is always full of hopes and optimism, that life is a lot better and a lot happier when you’re working abroad, rather than stay here in the country and whine in eternity for the many problems we are encountering particularly, the recurring economic flux and deterioration. True enough, you can earn those dollars or sterling pounds which could readily address the neediness experienced by your folks but when it comes to the reality of happiness, it is always relative. Yes, you can send money to the Philippines but it always involves sacrifice. At times, this sacrifice can break your heart so much especially when you realize that you’re alone and longing for home but you’d preferably endure that loneliness and would just cry a river because you made a firm decision that you should have no other choice but to stay considering that if ever you would give up, your family will eventually crumble into pieces since they are depending so much on your financial support. Just imagine the emotional dilemma our OFWs are experiencing. They have no right to insist on their individual choices (although it is obvious that they will really choose home for they don’t want to leave their families) since it is something that they impose on themselves because of that desire of getting a better chance at life.
According to the recent figures, more than 1 million Filipinos leave the country every year in order to find lucrative jobs in foreign lands. That’s about 3,000 of our countrymen leaving each day, braving even the strangest places on the planet (I was surprised to find out that there are Filipino English Teachers working in remote Mongolia from a documentary made for television), grabbing every single opportunity from alluring openings like high paying jobs, better working situations and finer standards of living…all for the purpose and sheer luck of giving a decent life to their families. But the painful part of this is the certainty of leaving one’s parents, one’s wife or husband, one’s children, one’s brothers and sisters, and one’s friends because he or she has to stick with his or her ideals and ambitions even if it will cost the person his or her own happiness.The Land of dreams is also a land of sorrow and longing. Although Filipinos can easily adapt to their new environment but most of them will still swear that “there’s no place like home”. Nevertheless this yearning has to be suspended excruciatingly because it is also hard to imagine a home where a particular family has no means of sustaining themselves in terms of food, shelter, clothing, healthcare and education.
Few years back, I remember my eldest sister telling me that, “Toto, kung ako lang ang masunod, gusto ko nga ululupod kita tanan, nga wala bala sing nagapalayo, pero kung hindi ako magbalik sa London, ano ang gastuhon ni papa kag ni nanay hay pareho man sila nga wala obra? Ano ang paeskwela ko sa imo kag sa imo manghod?” She was telling this to me with tears welling from her eyes as her statement sounded more like a sharp knife that pierced my heart because this longing will not only come from her but from us, the family she will again leave behind. We had to wait for another two or three years (mind you, at times, the anticipation seemed like eternity) before we can see her again. This pain of longing was felt even more when I was ordained priest and both of my sisters who are working abroad did not make it due to unavoidable circumstances. I was crying in front of people because I wanted them to be present on my special day. I want to share to them my joy but I am only limited to send DVD copies of the video coverage and the printed pictures because they are miles and miles away from home. But despite my heart’s protest, I have to understand them because I am fully aware that they had no choice. To deprive themselves of our physical presence is actually a way of showing their unconditional love and I can’t blame them both for deciding to have that better chance at life in the Land of Promise, even if it will cost them a thousand heartaches and yearnings for being far from us.
If only our country can also be a Land of Promise in terms of providing a better life for Filipinos, exodus will not happen, homes will be intact, and families will stay together…forever.
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