30th Heartbeat

MY ALTER EGO

It is Father’s Day and allow me to share some few endearing thoughts about Papa.

To be honest, I’m actually having this difficulty in articulating everything that I know about him because of the fact that we’re not really that expressive in showing our feelings to each other and we’d rather content ourselves with the intermittent blank stares and one-liners which took me some time to figure out. We usually engage in a lengthy conversation when we argue something about the bible or world history or geography or mispronounced words in the English language. I know communication is not an issue for both of us but I’m quite idealistic with my views that I always ended up nagging for the things which he can’t actually give. I have always wanted him to be spontaneous and carefree but I realized that these would put so much pressure on him because in reality, he is quite reserved and introspective, traits which are totally at odds with my own personality. In my 29 years of dealing with him, I just have to face the fact that he’s not the effusive type who would hug me in public and who would swear in front of people that he truly loves his two sons and two daughters. But one thing’s for sure, though he never showed it in words and in actions, he has been devoted to us through the years in ways we can never imagine.

I had so many fond memories with Papa and perhaps, this space would not be enough to convey everything that I have to say. But just to trip down the memory lane a little bit, there are some remarkable moments that would leave me smiling every time I had the chance to indulge myself in reminiscence. When we were young, my brother and I would cry every time he would be giddy and frolicsome to us. He would wrestle with us in bed that we would often complain of his playfulness. He snuggles like a child probably because he is the youngest in the brood and he’s trying to claim the joy and freedom of his forgotten youth. His mother died when he was only 12. They were so hard up in life that he was made to sacrifice a lot of things. His older siblings could no longer support him financially because they also have families to attend to. He finished school because of his personal initiatives, but he wasn’t able to take the engineering board exams because he can’t afford to pay the fees. He worked as a security guard in a telephone company but when his colleagues found out that he has the skills of becoming a “CABLE SPLICER” (a term which I didn’t understand in my younger years but just left me with wonder everytime I would look at all of his certificates and awards for his excellence in cable splicing. I just thought to myself that maybe my father is a “Cable Guy”, like Jim Carrey), they recommended him to the management. The rest, they say is history.

He is a generous and faithful husband (though he can also be very stingy at times!). In the 40 years of his married life, coupled with recurring squabbles and war of the nerves with his wife, he remained loyal and honest. I will never forget the day when he told us that he has never failed in loving Nanay. He asserted with full conviction that he would never leave her side despite her misgivings. Right there and then, he has shown me what true love is—to love unconditionally the real and not the ideal. Zenaida will always be the woman of Felipe’s life. Their love story has inspired me so much that there was even a time when I wanted to compose a script and send it perhaps to a radio or television station in order to be immortalized.

On this special day, I just want to give him the due honor and respect. He is one of a kind and he will always be my inspiration. He has taught me a lot of things in life (hard work, persistence, determination, sacrifice, ingenuity, selflessness) and I owe him my vocation to the priesthood. Before, it is quite hard for me to reconcile with the fact that we share a lot of things in common (i.e. features, mannerisms, personality) and yet, very much different in certain respects (i.e. temperament, social skills, convictions) but later on, I have come into terms that I am more like him and I’m so proud to be his alter ego.

I have always wanted to be like my father.

Papa, Happy Father’s Day! I know I cannot say this out loud but let me assure you that I love you (and Nanay) so much.I am truly grateful to be your son.

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