31st Heartbeat

RANDOM THOUGHTS

A lot of things have been going on in my mind and heart these past days. Is it pure fickle? I don’t think so! Let’s just say that I am privileged to have enough time to go back to my past experiences and I want to share these experiences with you….

ON FAITH

All my life I’ve been reflecting about faith. Culture and tradition have provided me with the essentials. Philosophers and theologians explained to me further its ambiguity and intricacy. I also had the opportunity to tackle various parallelisms and nuances about this constitutive dimension of man. But I don’t know what’s going on with my system why I keep on searching for more. It’s not that I’m not contented with what I’ve learned from school but let’s say that my day to day discoveries have impelled me to search for its deeper meaning. I can always use my reason to suffice everything but my heart tells me to look for something concrete and spontaneous.

God himself was the one who made things clear to me. In my dealings with ordinary people, I was able to affirm the fact that indeed, miracles do happen and faith can be as practical as our everyday life. I don’t have to experience the burning bush, the crossing of the Red Sea or the tongues of fire in order to believe in the wondrous deeds of God. I just have to open my eyes and acknowledge even the little and the trivial of things. I must admit that I’ve been struggling with my faith through the years. I’m always blinded by my meticulousness. But now, I realized that faith is simply being vulnerable, being open, and being susceptible to the promptings of God. With this conviction, I am able to transform my pains into consolations, my fears into hopes, my insecurities into self-assurance.

ON BEING VULNERABLE

There’s something behind a person’s tears which makes him truly human. The world can be harsh enough for us to exude our strength, courage, and endurance, but at times, life can be so meaningful if we try to give in to our soft spot. Things are clearly seen if we acknowledge the fact that indeed, we are in pain. For most of us, it can be triggered by specific day to day experiences but sad to say, there are some who doesn’t care at all and would allow the chance to pass by. We can always come up with endless defences whenever we are confronted by our feelings, but one’s growth will always be determined on how much he has gone deep into himself.

It’s my first time to see a friend weep. Those tiny trinkets that fell from his eyes revealed to me profound and innumerable truths about his being. Boys don’t cry…but only real men do.

ON FORGIVENESS

I am having issues with forgiveness right now. I don’t know if I have transformed myself into a vicious monster because of my pride and unwillingness to make up with persons who have caused me pain along the way. But I have realized that the art of forgiving is relative—and it would be pointless to settle an issue in the soonest time possible if the grudge continues to creep into every chambers of my heart. There are wounds that even time couldn’t heal…and in my belief, it would be better to let the stubbornness transform into openness at my own pace without forcing myself to resolve everything. At some point, it is against my upbringing but I just want to face the fact that I am human…that I am limited…that I am experiencing the dichotomy of life…and to come up with a clean slate in every relationship is too ideal, verging on illusory…

ON BEING A TRANSIENT

I have been living a transitory life lately and mind you, packing up my things every now and then is very stressful. It seems that time has become my enemy where I should race against it for the fear of losing the game. At a certain point, I am spared from emotional investments (and baggages as well!) but it alienates my mind and heart for exploring the various possibilities that could happen along the way, ending up with a remorse: “I should have known the place or the person better if only I have looked closely or have stayed longer”. There have been a lot of opportunities that passed my attention and I never got to savor even a tinge of those moments because I was in a hurry to depart for my next journey. I was confident enough that I will still have another glimpse of those that I have missed, but sad to say that I could no longer “pass twice the same river”. Again, I keep on telling my stubborn self, that I am not in total control of everything…and the new realities that my senses perceive each day are so precious and unique that that they will never remain unchanged tomorrow…my life is more of a hurdle where I focus myself so much on my destination, disregarding the joys and the struggles of my journey…

Moral lesson: As I travel along the road, I should allow my head to turn back once in a while so that my senses may have a better view of what the world has to offer…and perhaps, I should take time in smelling the flowers…

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